in.effable

pant v. dress

2012-02-01T10:38:00.000-05:00

ok so pants suck, am i right? everyone feels that way? they feel like pants suck?

no? i guess not... huh.

i recently read that women tie their blue jeans with some manner of twine so they can continue wearing them throughout their pregnancies. this terrifies me, first because i suspect that one day i will get knocked up (ok that's a separate fear), and second because i thought pregnancy was finally the time you got to break out all those great empire waist dresses.

i'm apparently wrong. all the time. pants: they're something women are committed to, especially feminists.

meanwhile, i almost never wear pants. not because i'm somehow being ladylike. i'm not like mandy moore in that movie where spoiler she dies, just wandering around in knee-length dresses, clutching my cardigan, speaking in bible proverbs.

the reason i usually opt for dresses over pants is because i’m not that competent, and wearing dresses is an easy way to trick people into thinking that i am.

i mean, i’m certainly not competent enough to commit to a style decision that would require twine artistry in the event i'm with child. still, i guess everything goes with blue jeans. you could wear pretty much any kind of top with them and it would be fine. military jackets, regular jackets,... straight jackets. JACKETS. and teeshirts. oh my god teeshirts. and then you could coordinate them with your shoes and maybe you would have to layer another top over it or something. add a sweater. maybe a scarf. aaaand i'm tired. point made.

do you know how much planning goes into styling a dress? PUTTING IT ON. boom. you have a look now. your look is “i’m wearing a dress, i already look pulled together, running around in this here dress.” it’s winter? okay. your look is now “i’m wearing a dress and put tights on under it. boom. running around in this here dress, my legs encased in tights like i’m a goddamn ballerina.”

the amazing thing is that people will not see this as a sign that you have only the most basic understanding of how jackets work. they will instead say things like “your look is so polished.” yes. because you are wearing only one garment instead of five making you an f'ing genius. and if you spend $25 to go in and get your dresses tailored to fit you perfectly at your dry cleaner’s after buying them, you will come off as some kind of style superstar even though you're just smart.

also, as much as i LOVE jeans, you know that thing that happens when you are wearing them and you sit down and your butt crack is revealed? that will never happen in a dress. ever. you would have to wear the weirdest dress in the entire world for that to happen. and then i suppose it would be a very "strategic" part of the look. the worst inadvertently exposed body part mishap you can have in a dress is that you might go out without underwear and flash someone if you spread your legs like sharon stone. that would still be sexier than exposing your butt crack, and, correctly applied, could probably get you featured in star magazine. otherwise, you could solve that problem by wearing underwear, or not spreading your legs like you're at a gynecologist appointment.

in sum, dresses are amazing; pants require twine; make sure to cross your legs.

man of peace

2010-06-18T14:17:00.000-04:00

One of the reasons why we crave love and seek it so desperately is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you.

I laughed and laughed and laughed

2009-11-28T14:33:00.001-05:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Excitement Over Sarah Palin's Book Release

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Crisis

twilight: new fiction for the intellectually challenged

2009-10-21T21:34:00.008-04:00

in order to save you from hours of hell, i have summarized the entirety of twilight in 20 dialogue snippets and an intermission. if you enjoy this, it will have been a much more entertaining read than the 500+ paged book of vampire crap that i read. how pathetic.

here it is, folks: twilight - a summary.

first 200 pages:

"i like you, edward!"

"you shouldn't! i'm dangerous!"

"i like you, edward!"

"but i'm dangerous!"

next 50 pages:

"i'm a vampire!"

"i like you, edward!"

"but i'm a vampire! i'm dangerous!"

"i like you, edward!"

next 100 pages:

"i like you, edward!"

"you smell good, bella. i'm dangerous!"

"i like you, edward!"

"damn, you smell good."

"i like you, edward!"

"also, i sparkle in sunlight."

next 50 pages:

A. VAMPIRE. BASEBALL. GAME. (i wish i was kidding)

last 100 pages:

"help me, edward! i'm being chased!"

"i'll save you!"

"help me, edward! i'm scared!"

"i'll save you!"

"oh, edward!"

"you smell good."

the 10-day challenge: day 5

2009-08-25T14:31:00.002-04:00

Dumpling Man RECAP: Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night in a pool of sweat, shaking uncontrollably with no seeming explanation. I always thought the cause of this was a nightmare, albeit forgettable upon consciousness... Touche. But now I know why I have been waking up paralyzed and inexplicably hungry: it's the crave. For the perfect, warm, plump, cheap dumpling. Friends, Dumpling Man's dumplings are all these things and more. The dumplings are substantial, flavorful, and fresh. And the Hot Monster Sauce complements each dumpling well. My fav: the shrimp. My suggestion: eat there. My nightmares: no more.

TONIGHT'S PICK:
Apotheke: http://www.apothekenyc.com

I need a remedy for my sore back. I have been moving. In New York City. Thus the need to visit my local apothecary / pharmacy / I'd-rather-get-a-drink-than-eat-pills. Thankfully, this mixology speakeasy serves "elixers" categorized according to what ails you. Need an upper? - get a stimulant; feeling sexy? - order an aphrodisiac. I, of course, will be getting a pain killer, though considering Apotheke has over 250 house cocktails, I may find picking my poison a little difficult.
Why it must be tried: The bartenders wear lab coats. No... seriously. And they mix your drink in chem beakers. It's like a nerd's DREAMland. I'm there.

Although packing makes me want to drink at any and all times of the day, I think I'll hold off until the late evening. Call/text if you're in need of a pharmecutical.

the 10-day challenge: day 4

2009-08-20T16:19:00.005-04:00

Dirt Candy RECAP: Gujarati food is vegetarian. It's diverse and wholesome and flavorful and delicious - I grew up eating it and I LOVE it. Unfortunately, this is why I think I am always disappointed by vegetarian food in almost every other cuisine. Yesterday's meal at Dirt Candy has made me think that perhaps Indians are good at eating ethically because our food is actually really really tasty. I don't think American cooks have a grasp on what it means to create flavor unless they can massacre some animal and eat it. This is not a rant for or against vegetarianism, only a testament to the Indian culinary artists who have time and time again won my heart. Dirt Candy, I think, could learn a thing or two from the East. Your jalepeno hush puppies were great, but you know why?: they tasted like bateta vada (Indian fried donut filled with seasoned potatoes, onions, and chili). Go figure.

TONIGHT'S PICK:
Dumpling Man: http://www.dumplingman.com/

I've walked by Lucas Lin's Dumpling Man on St. Mark's at least 100 times and never gone in. I've been to Dumpling House and New Green Bo, but never inside this place, recognizable by that Super Mario Brother-esque Dumpling Logo on the canopy outside. Plus, the Dumpling Man's blog has the same format as mine. If that's not good judgment, I don't know what is.
Why it must be tried: What the french toast is Hot Monster Sauce?! And apparently, they have good steamed veggie dumplings with seasoned tofu and shiitake mushrooms. Plus, it's cheap - about a $14 meal.

No reservations needed, but it is kinda tiny, so I anticipate going around 7pm. Again, please call if you plan on joining. MEN - you definitely want to come so you can buy your Dumpling Man Thong.

the 10-day challenge: day 3

2009-08-19T16:17:00.002-04:00

The National RECAP: I don't usually say this, but WOW. The National was amazing. Freeman's - you are in TROUBLE with a capital T, and I capitalize the rest of the letters just to make a point. Two compadres joined me last night and our order consisted of the following: chorizo and cheese balls with a spicy mayo; jamaican pineapple jerk ribs with greens and potato salad; butter-based scallops on sweet corn puree; and a berry crumble with homemade lemon greek yogurt. Anyway, I brought a camera to take pictures but I ate all the food. Yes, I could've taken one when it came out but... I just ate it all immediately instead. For the future, if you eat pork, order the jerk ribs. If you don't eat pork, order the ribs. The meat FELL off the bone it was so tender. On to tonight...

TONIGHT'S PICK:
Dirt Candy: http://www.dirtcandynyc.com/

Feeling the guilt of yesterday's carnivorous banquet, I have chosen a veggie place for tonight. Chef Amanda Cohen runs the joint, boasting both meat-eating and vegetarian clientele. Apparently, if you've been to Red Bamboo, Angelica Kitchen, or Blossom, you haven't had good vegetarian food, and I love Red Bamboo. So, yeah.
Why it must be tried: Their jalepeno hush puppies are all the rage; the spinach soup with tofu dumplings and lemon confit sounds ridiculously yummy; and I like the way a chocolate sweet pea ice cream bar sounds.

Dirt Candy is small and hip, AKA I'll need to make a reservation. Please let me know (phone call please) if you'd like to join tonight and I'll include you.

the 10-day challenge: day 2

2009-08-18T14:30:00.003-04:00

BGICT RECAP: yesterday's search to find a giant gay truck was fun. i highly suggest running around union square asking people if they've seen "the gay truck." it's very entertaining. a little warning: the truck moves. this sounds obvious, but what i mean is that it changes location to 47/6 at night. i discovered this after emailing biggayicecreamtruck@yahoo.com, so if you are a'searchin late at night, you might find her big truck butt there. moving forward (no pun intended)...

TONIGHT'S PICK:
The National: http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-national-new-york

Having been open for only 3 weeks, the National has not yet been plundered of its coolness by LES scenesters.* After a botched attempt to get dinner there last night (they're closed on Mondays), I am now determined to eat here. Join me, won't you?
Why it must be tried: Butter-based scallops on sweet corn puree, jerk pork ribs, and apparently some of the best drinks east of 3rd Avenue.

*Those that believe that what they believe to be cool now has already achieved a state of coolness.

the 10-day challenge

2009-08-17T15:07:00.003-04:00

new york city - food capital of the world. from shi-shi restaurant scenes to gourmet shops, beer gardens to chocolate bars, the big apple has the best and most diverse edibles in the world. yup, this city isn't just a big apple - it's the biggest. and like most new yorkers, i like to take large bites out of it on a pretty regular basis.

thus, in celebration of this great city (and in reaction to my recent lack of goal-setting), i am putting myself to the 10-day challenge. the idea: to eat. a lot. of really new and interesting things, which i already do here, but now i'm inviting all my fellow new yorkers to join me on my foodie quest.

how it's done: every day for the next 10 days, i will be picking a place that i've wanted to check out but haven't gone yet. if my friends are willing and adventurous and really really smart, they come with. if not, they go to hell. hey - it's not my rule; blame food religion. i am totally here to save.

anywho, i've pasted part of my day 1 email below, for which i had two very very smart attendees.

TONIGHT'S PICK:
The Big Gay Ice Cream Truck: http://www.biggayicecreamtruck.com/

I'm weird (or should I say I'm gay?) and follow them on twitter. It looks as though they set up on Broadway and 17th today around 1pm. I wonder if they'll still be there around 9pm. It's all very mysterious. Regardless, I'm going to make my way over to Union Square to look for it tonight. I don't imagine it'll be too hard to find a rainbow truck. And even if it's not there, I think it'll be fun to run around looking for it. "Excuse me, but have you seen a gay ice cream truck?"
Why it must be tried: toasted coconut curry; salted caramel. All on ... ice cream?!

Fantastic, right? Believe me, it's great to be a city kid.

More on the 10-day challenge to come...

waiting

2009-08-13T23:02:00.004-04:00

all day, where the sunlight played on the sea-shore, Life sat.

all day, the soft wind played with her hair, and the young, young face looked out across the water. she was waiting - she was waiting; but she could not tell for what.

all day, the waves ran up and up on the sand, and ran back again, and the pink shells rolled. Life sat waiting; all day, with the sunlight in her eyes, she sat there, till, grown weary, she laid her head upon her knee and fell asleep, waiting still.

then a keel grated on the sand, and then a step was on the shore - Life awoke and heard it. a hand was laid upon her, and a great shudder passed through her. she looked up, and saw over her the strange, wide eyes of Love - and Life now knew for whom she had sat there waiting.

The poison pill

2009-04-03T14:06:00.005-04:00

There should be a pill you can take to make love go away.

the secret to our racial success

2009-03-20T16:57:00.001-04:00

love how the indian dad looks like a hobo.

yes. i totally did.

2009-02-09T22:50:00.002-05:00

Classes My Top-Tier Law School Should Have Offered as Warnings About the Profession

2009-01-09T11:17:00.002-05:00

Cutting and Pasting Legal Lingo

Explaining Business Associations to the People Who Are Running Them

4 A.M. Word Processing and the Law

Ethics of Conspicuous Consumption

Forwarding E-mails: Theory and Practice: Seminar

Arbitrary-Deadline Negotiation Strategies

Crying Quietly: Clinic

Jeans-Friday Advocacy Workshop

Cutting and Pasting II: Plural to Singular

The last kiss

2008-11-28T19:02:00.001-05:00

What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love. That's what matters. That's the only thing that counts.

on the playground

2008-11-12T22:41:00.015-05:00

Spending a Sunday night with someone you secretly long for is worse than spending a Sunday night alone. Why? Because there's nothing I can say or do short of removing my sweater and asking him to partake that really seems worth the risk of humiliation. Sigh. Crushes - they're the worst.

The last time I felt this way, I was nine-years-old. Right before the bell for recess would ring, I'd instinctively pull out my strawberry-flavored Lip Smackers and lather up, somehow thinking fruit-scented lips would win him over. This is how I know I have a crush - I'm doing it again. Only now it's high-shine pink Nars lipgloss ironically titled "orgasm."

It's about time. I don't really remember the last time I got nervous around anyone. That's not to say I haven't been interested in the past few men I've dated, only that the way things developed never included me crushing of my own volition. And they certainly never included me giggling at non-jokes or saying things that make no sense because of an inexplicable onset of stuttering. Damn though - I like it.

Anyway, I'm not exactly at my figurative knees, hence the need to call it a crush. I'm not in love with the dude, nor have I developed any sort of adult relationshipy feelings. It's just a warm, silly, I-kinda-wanna-cuddle-with-you-when-I-look-at-your-face sort of feeling that I'm likely going to have to quit in about a week when I realize he's never going to do anything. Until then, I'm okay with the idea of him, randomly making me smile when I'm trying to grant my unfortunate clients asylum.

Omg. I almost touched his arm.

Who am I kidding? I’m kept.

Microsoft

2008-07-18T12:20:00.001-04:00

Has anyone noticed the spellcheck in Microsoft Word? Does it always auto-correct Obama to Osama?

ALERT: Somebody who has an inside connection needs to educate the Microsoft team.

lost

2008-07-10T12:52:00.005-04:00

just because i'm losing
doesn't mean i've lost
doesn't mean i'll stop
doesn't mean i would cross

just because i'm hurting
doesn't mean i'm hurt
doesn't mean i didn't get what i deserved
no better & no worse

i just got lost
every river that i tried to cross
every door i ever tried was locked
and i'm just waiting till the shine wears off

you might be a big fish in a little pond
doesn't mean you've won
'cause along may come
a bigger one

and you'll be lost
every river that you tried to cross
every gun you ever held went off
and i'm just waiting until the firing stops
and i'm just waiting until the shine wears off

ugh

2008-07-08T16:33:00.001-04:00

everything sucks. i am a stupid girl. and it can all go to hell.

all
of
it.

that's my update.

Intentional killing committed after adequate provocation, like against the bar examiners

2008-06-30T18:36:00.008-04:00

S's away message: slapping a horse on the ass is battery against the rider.
me: how bout if i slap your mom and she's holding your hand?
S: i think that's tantamount to someone slapping your ass when i'm holding your (hand)
me: HAHHA. i was gonna say, i think we're moving too fast
S: yeah english grammar gets me in trouble
me: don't worry. i won't batter you for it.

It's worse than 1L year; worse than hours of editing for the journal; it's the bar exam... and we're all going a little... crazy.

smooth like butta

2008-06-21T19:58:00.005-04:00

there is a nickname i have. it is, and has been for over 8 years, "butta." indeed, upon arriving at the university of michigan, i was given the unfortunate email address of bhatt + a, yielding bhatta. it was sad.

i did not like bhatta. it wasn't my last name. it certainly wasn't my first. it might have been okay if it'd been abhatt, but no. i had no choice in the matter - the university had spoken.

from the very beginning, the difficulty of having a strange email address permeated my social life. when meeting other attractive, sporting, 18-year-old males, perfectly normal conversations would become awkward or fizzle into oblivion:

hot male: great to meet you. let's get together some time. what's your email?
me: oh, it's b-h-a-t-t-a
hot male: hm... that's hard to remember... maybe we should write it down
me: i don't have a pen...
hot male: oh i'll go get one... [exits, never to return]

while it's true that most of these boys simply walked away because they just wanted to get laid, it still proves my point: boys suck... i mean, my email address was frustratingly difficult to remember. hence was born the phrase, "butta."

it was easy. when asked, "what's your email address?" i simply responded, "it's bhatta. you know, smooth like butta." oh my god i was so funny. and catchy. and people liked it, gosh darn it. and it stuck for years and years, so much so that many of my friends continue to call me "butta" to this very day.

so, it is with great sadness that i say goodbye to bhatta and say hello to gmail. i'm okay. at least, i think i will be. but if you feel like sending me flowers to help me cope, that'd be nice. thanks in advance.

<3,
butta

if for only one reason

2008-05-25T18:25:00.003-04:00

i'm not one to make irrational decisions about something as important as picking our next president, but um, i have to say something: senator obama, you are a hunky hunky man.

the unbearable lightness of being

2008-05-06T22:34:00.005-04:00

people have - with the help of conventions - oriented all their solutions toward the easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must hold to what is difficult; everything alive holds to it, everything in nature grows & defends itself in its own way and is characteristically and spontaneously itself, seeks at all costs to be so and against all opposition. we know little, but that we must hold to what is difficult is a certainty that will not forsake us; it is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it.

to love is good, too: love being difficult. for one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. for this reason young people, who are beginners in everything, cannot yet know love: they have to learn it. with their whole being, with all their forces, gathered close about their lonely, timid, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love. but learning time is always a long, secluded time, and so loving, for a long while ahead and far into life is solitude, intensified and deepened loneness for him who loves.

love is at first not anything that means merging, giving over and uniting with another (for what would a union be of something unclarified and unfinished, still subordinate?), it is a high inducement to the individual to ripen, to become world, to become world for himself for another's sake. it is a great exacting claim upon him, something that chooses him out and calls him to vast things. only in this sense, as the task of working at themselves ("to hearken and to hammer day and night"), might young people use the love that is given them. merging and surrendering and every kind of communion is not for them (who must save and gather for along, long time still), is the ultimate, is perhaps that for which human lives as yet scarcely suffice.

whoever looks seriously at it finds that neither for death, which is difficult, nor for difficult love has any explanation, any solution, any hint of way yet been discerned; and for these two problems that we carry wrapped up and hand on without opening, it will not be possible to discover any general rule resting in agreement. but in the same measure in which we begin as individuals to put life to the test, we shall, being individuals, meet these great things at closer range. the demands which the difficult work of love makes upon our development are more than life-size, and as beginners we are not up to them. but if we nevertheless hold out and take this love upon us as burden and apprenticeship, instead of losing ourselves in all the light and frivolous play, behind which people have hidden from the most earnest earnestness of their existence - then a little progress and alleviation will perhaps be perceptible to those who come long after us; that would be much.

--rainer maria rilke

never no more

2008-04-18T15:56:00.004-04:00

wednesday, april 16, 2008:

last day of law school.
last day of socratic method.
possibly my last day of being formally educated.

wow.

i'm all done, coming undone, and feeling... accomplished.

i
am
a
LAWYER!

dude.

inaction --> reaction

2008-03-31T23:09:00.002-04:00

is it just me, or do i provoke the strangest behavior in men?

cobwebs

2008-03-17T00:05:00.002-04:00

there is a spider lingering on my ceiling directly above my desk. the men of my house are all asleep or out. at this EXACT and only moment, i wish i had a man: they are so useful...

for getting spiders.

who will pick up the phone?: larry david in his infinite wisdom

2008-03-08T16:42:00.002-05:00

here's an idea for an obama ad: a montage of clinton's sybillish personalities that have surfaced during the campaign with a solemn voiceover at the end saying, "does anyone want this nut answering the phone?"

how is it that she became the one who's perceived as more equipped to answer that 3 a.m. call than the unflappable obama? he, with the ice in his veins, who doesn't panic when he's losing or get too giddy when he's winning, who's as comfortable in his own skin as she's uncomfortable in hers. there have been times in this campaign when she seemed so unhinged that i worried she'd actually kill herself if she lost. every day, she reminds me more and more of adele h., who also had an obsession that drove her insane.

a few weeks ago, i started to feel sorry for her. oh christ, let her win already... who cares... it's not worth it. there's not that much difference between them. she can have it. anything to avoid watching her descend into madness. so i switched. i started rooting for her. it wasn't that hard. compromise comes easy to me. i was on board.

and then i saw the ad.

i watched, transfixed, as she took the 3 a.m. call...and i was afraid...very afraid. suddenly, i realized the last thing this country needs is that woman anywhere near a phone. i don't care if it's 3 a.m. or 10 p.m. or any other time. I don't want her talking to putin, i don't want her talking to kim jong il, i don't want her talking to my nephew. she needs a long rest. she needs to put on a sarong and some sun block and get away from things for a while, a nice beach somewhere -- somewhere far away, where there are... no phones.

make me a mixtape

2008-02-12T23:20:00.004-05:00

bom chicka wah wah, baby! it's about that time of year again. it's snowing, it's cold, and dammit, people got nothing better to do than drink and make out. ohhh yeah.

i am so freaking good at making mixes it's not even funny. enjoy - vday mix 2008:

officially missing you - tamia
fix you - coldplay
this years love - david gray
u center me - robin thicke
breathe me - sia
tell him - lauryn hill
the luckiest - ben folds
lifetime - maxwell
brandy alexander - feist
the very thought of you - billie holiday
starlight - muse
i don't know what it is - rufus wainwright
chasing cars - snow patrol
lovers rock - sade
transatlanticism - death cab for cutie
belief - gavin degraw
the nearness of you - norah jones
wink & a smile - harry connick jr.
you give me something - james morrison
fotografia - juanes
all these things that i've done - the killers
fade into you - mazzy star
the great escape - patrick watson

dammit

2008-02-10T19:45:00.001-05:00

timing's a bitch, ain't it?

hide and seek

2008-02-07T17:10:00.000-05:00

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to fall,
crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
spin me round again
and rub my eyes.
this can't be happening.
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before
the takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life.

hide and seek.
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears,
they were here first.

what you say?
that you only meant well? well, of course you did.
what you say?
that it's all for the best? ah of course it is.
what you say?
that it's just what we need? and you decided this.
what you say?
what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
speak no feeling, no i don't believe you.
you don't care a bit.
you don't care a bit.

an idea

2008-01-29T19:09:00.001-05:00

i was thinking (while reading for securities regulation) that it might be a good idea to pretend i'm an artist looking to paint a few attractive nude males. i realize this is thinking like a man, which means i'm not really thinking at all, but it's an interesting idea. it actually makes me giggle a little. i imagine the screenplay to read like this:

me: are we ready to begin?
random hot nude male: yup. is this where you'd like me?
**clothes come off**
me: hehehehe!
random hot nude male: what's so funny?
me: hehehe!

ok so i don't have an elaborate sense of what this would look like aside from the fact that it'd make me giggle, which kind of isn't sexy. in the last 30 seconds i did, however, start thinking, "what happens when he asks to see the painting and he looks like a stick figure?" or "what if he asks for previous works of art?" or "what if he wants references?" but then i realized that (1) models aren't very bright (generally) and (2) i could always respond by saying art is interpretive and excuse me, but haven't you ever seen anyone paint a man as a blob? you obviously don't know art.

a quick google search for "looking for nude model" gave me this craigslist posting:

Photographer looking to add a nude series to his portfolio. Currently just finishing the photography program at [deleted] College. Looking for only female models right now but will be looking to shoot male models later. You can see some of my work at [deleted]. Please send photo and we can talk about my ideas.

ha! yeah right. "currently just finishing?" ok mr. redundant. i'll send you my nudie picture. pshaw!

in conclusion, it appears that this actually happens. weird. and by the way, i'd never do this. i am not an objectifier of men - i just use them for sex.

ok. i don't do that either. shit.

virtual reality

2008-01-02T18:10:00.002-05:00

a few days ago, i received the scariest facebook message of my life - it was a marriage proposal. not like marriage totally and completely freaks me out, but it does when the proposal is over 4 pages long, sent from a guy i've never met, and includes a request to fly out to a remote island and get married. the end result, as he suggested, included living with his parents, sex at least 4 times a week, and many many children.

while devoting my life to this obvious winner sounded like a dream come true, i made the ever-so-difficult decision (no, not really) to report him to the facebook police and block him for eternity, which is ironic given that he's apparently some kind of policeman in his respective city. and did i mention he hates gays? yeah, i know - we're totally compatible. and while i half joke about it, the other half of me is honestly freaked out that real-life borat here is already looking for me, google-ing my name away and making love to my facebook picture. thank god he so wisely mentioned that he's got no money - i don't think he'll be showing up at my manhattan office just yet. goddamn gold diggers.

the bigger question here is how much of this shit i'm supposed to put up with. this is not the first and only creepy request i've ever gotten. last week i got a message from some dude who told me i was "blooming like a flower" and "looked real fresh." then he advised me not to lie, to stick with my hobbies, and ended his message by asking me "can i kiss you goodnight?" no fucker. you can't. block block permablock. what the f?! who are you people?!

now i recognize people are lonely - everyone needs friends. and for those people who are new to a city and looking for something to do, i get it. resorting to facebook out of desperation is still something i'm willing to understand. but how out of touch with reality do you have to be to think that i am going to want a scary stalker? it's facebook, not letshavesex.com or a mail-order bride website. WRONG VENUE, crazy.

but let's keep it real - crazy comes in all forms. you don't have to just send creepy messages. no, some guys just add random women as friends. now, correct me if i'm wrong, but when i was growing up, i wasn't friends with someone until i actually had an interaction with them, so when i get an email from mark zuckerberg asking me to confirm that i am, in fact, friends with *insert i-don't-know-who-the-hell-you-are*, don't be surprised when i deny you, loser. and for every long-lost chum who reaches out to me on facebook (hi. hello. in all seriousness, it's nice to hear from you!), there's a guy who made fun of me on a weekly basis through the whole of sixth grade but now wants to be my friend; or the crazy person who was fun in college but is now kind of sad; or the nagging unfortunate acquaintance who i'd cross the street to avoid but who now wants to know, "am i your friend?" yes or no, this instant, please.

all-in-all, i love facebook. i'm a lawyer - i have to. i spend hours in front of the 'puter writing briefs and memos and shit that only judges and academics read. as a remedy, facebook provides hours of entertainment, and quite frankly, does a damn good job of keeping me connected to and updated on my friends and yes, even acquaintances. but that's it. in this respect, i remain a conventionalist.

sorry, weirdos. but if i want a kiss goodnight, it ain't that hard to find one in real life.

check, please.

2007-06-11T23:07:00.002-04:00

2007-06-09T17:56:00.000-04:00

Cancer (June 21 - Jul 22)

Your day may be too exciting as you unsuccessfully try to find some comfort in all the noise. Although you aren't going to solve your problems all at once, you still might be able to get them out into the open. Issues that have been building up beneath the surface can shatter through the resistances today. If you are seeking change, don't wait for a better moment.

on the 6

2007-06-05T00:54:00.000-04:00

i've finally got a new york minute. just thought i would share the view.

and just like that - minute's over.

a PSA

2007-03-29T18:12:00.001-04:00

Dear dudes,

Hi! I realize that it can be difficult to maneuver through this world with those things dangling between your legs. I can only imagine the pain & agony that they cause you. I definitely wouldn't want to be in your shoes, but may I make a small, teeny tiny suggestion? When you're in public, please refrain from touching yourself every 30 seconds. I know I know! You've got adjustments to make & whatnot but come on. Must you do it continuously? If you've got the itchies down there then I suggest a nice powder of some sort, or check with your doctor to see if you've got the latest creepy crawly going around and see if it's crawling around on your balls. Just do us all a favor and stop grabbing yourself. It's in poor taste and to be honest it creeps me the fuck out.

Now I know that some people just have a tick of some sorts. Some people blink a lot while others might bark at total strangers. Hey - whatever floats your boat, man! But it may be considered "bad taste" to sit in an office and grab at your genitals every 45 seconds or so and then try to shake my hand afterwards. Not cool, dude. Because after I sat there and watched you touch yourself numerous times, the last thing I really feel like doing is shaking your hand. You can just keep that hand to yourself as well as whatever the hell it is that is crawling around your nuts.

Thanks so much.

Love always,

Av

2007-01-05T17:07:00.000-05:00

just before our love got lost you said
i am as constant as a northern star
and i said, constantly in the darkness
where's that at?
if you want me i'll be in the bar

on the back of a carton coaster
in the blue tv screen light
i drew a map of canada
oh canada
with your face sketched on it twice

oh you're in my blood like holy wine
you taste so bitter and so sweet
oh i could drink a case of you, darling
and i would still be on my feet
i would still be on my feet

oh i am a lonely painter
i live in a box of paints
i'm frightened by the devil
and i'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid
i remember that time you told me, you said love is touching souls
surely you touched mine
cause part of you pours out of me
in these lines from time to time...

i met a woman
she had a mouth like yours
she knew your life
she knew your devils and your deeds
and she said
go to him, stay with him if you can
but be prepared to bleed

oh but you're in my blood like holy wine
you taste so bitter and you taste so sweet
oh i could drink a case of you, darling
and still be on my feet
i'd still be on my feet

what's in a name?

2006-12-06T20:35:00.001-05:00

we brownies have been searching, waiting for a film that accurately depicts our culture, our experience, and our identity as 1st and 2nd generation indian-americans. thankfully, mira nair used a storyline that already did it and recreated the namesake on screen.

i saw this trailor as a preview to 'water' last summer and thought i would share it with you. the book is marvelous, and i urge you to read it. i can happily report, however, that if you don't read the book, the movie should follow the storyline pretty closely. it's reviews at the london film festival were extraordinary and i can't wait for it to debut in the states.

2006-12-04T23:33:00.001-05:00

i am so...

tired. figuratively.

more on panda

2006-11-29T18:40:00.001-05:00

a panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, & orders a sandwich. he eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, & shoots the waiter dead. as the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "hey! where are you going? you just shot my waiter, & you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"hey, man, i'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "look it up!"

the manager opens his dictionary and reads:

panda: tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black & white coloring. eats shoots & leaves.

i think my obsession with anything panda has officially gone too far. teehee.

2006-11-28T13:29:00.000-05:00

"o o o. the big o o."

that's it. i just have to say this: the overstock.com lady needs to get laid.

The statute of limitations

2006-11-16T19:11:00.001-05:00

I was on the phone with a long-distance friend the other night when she asked me for my advice in regards to what she felt was a much needed but rather late apology. "I've thought about this thing that happened..." she said, "and it was pretty bad on my part..." As it turned out, the "pretty bad thing" was pretty bad, but it was also a very very long time ago - years ago, in fact. Nonetheless, while the act deserved an apology, it really made me wonder: can an apology come too late?

While most people today will tell you that it is never too late to say you're sorry, I'm not too sure I agree. It's not that I don't believe in the power of redemption - I do. A lot, actually. It's just that most of the time, people do such a shitty job of saying they're sorry that it has the potential of doing more harm than good.

As sad as it is, it's rather rare that a successful apology happens between adults anymore. There are no more parents or teachers telling us what we did wrong and how we should have behaved - no one forcing us to come face-to-face with our inner asshole. We can write off someone's rage as foolishness, and another's pain as over-sensitivity without ever having to deal with it. Compound that with pride, anger, and poor listening skills and you find that half the trouble in forming an apology is realizing you did anything wrong to begin with.

Evidently, there's something to be said for actually coming to and suffering the complementary shame that, at least in my case, has always come along with recognizing when I've been a dick. But an apology that functions as a mere confessional - a way for someone to just get something off his/her chest - is only done for selfish reasons. I know this; I've done it before. So while we hope the end result of any sincere apology is forgiveness, it certainly can't be expected - that's what makes the apology sincere.

I suppose I've had my fair share of being on both sides of an apology and if I've learned anything, I've learned this: that personal grievances are apt to cause the greatest distress in people's lives. The more significant the offense, the greater must be the reparations. But what do we do when the offense is truly old; when years have passed; when the wound has healed even if on its own? Is an apology then not just a selfish desire to take that final opportunity to say the things we didn't; an attempt to assuage our guilt or emphasize our love?

After all that time, when there is no chance of healing the hurt or restoring the relationship, I have to wonder if the greater apology rests in restraint and resolve. Maybe there is such a thing as too little, too late.

2006-11-14T18:33:00.001-05:00

i can't believe i forgot to announce the good news: jesus is coming!

ok so i told a little joke.

but seriously, dean caminker was named hottest male law school dean in the nation, which (and let's all be real here) is a truer testament to how great michigan law is than nearly anything else. the results came out in october but it wasn't until today when i saw him in a hall that i got to formally congratulate him.

oh those wavy long locks. meee-ooow!

ok DUDE. another joke. sheesh.

i want it that way, which would be any way they want it. oh baby.

2006-11-14T00:33:00.000-05:00


i've watched these young men for over a year now and i've decided this: it's possible that i would marry the guy on the left.

hey baby

2006-10-31T19:18:00.001-05:00

so i've been sporadically talking to the guy that asked me out last week. today, he left me the greatest pick-up line message i have ever heard in the history-of-the-world-since-time-began-ever. he said:

excuse me, but are you the square root of 2, because i feel irrational when i'm around you. call me, baby.

then i heard his roommate laugh in the background before he hung up. i nearly fell off the couch right before i saved the message. gosh i love a silly man.

nope. still not dating.

advancing equality

2006-10-29T12:43:00.000-05:00

asian american justice center, summer 2006

finally. it's here. the collective ridiculousness of 8 interns advancing equality in washington d.c... on youtube.

turn up your speakers & enjoy the presentation...

i miss you, you silly little asians.

off the meat market

2006-10-23T13:57:00.000-04:00

last night i got a call from a guy i met when i was out this weekend - a nice, good-looking, smart, seemingly normal male. after about 10 minutes of conversation he asked if i wanted to get dinner, followed by a "and yeah. i'm asking you on a date." i laughed. apparently, he's funny too.

believe me, even i was suprised at my own response when i turned him down. "really?" he said. "shit. i thought i was doing ok." the thing is, he was. when he asked me why i wasn't interested, i didn't want to answer, so i diverted to my usual tactic of saying something funny: tigers game - men in tight pants throwing balls - can't miss it. apparently, he liked this and thought i was funny too. "crap," i thought. i turned him on.

in the end, we spent another 5 minutes on the phone with him telling me we should still hang out and me thinking "that's what you're saying now." still, i could understand his frustration with meeting women and then getting shot down for no good reason, so i caved & agreed to coffee sometime. but no, there will be no dating.

my formal announcment of my break from dating came yesterday to my roommate right before dinner. she looked at me the way you look at an abused animal: with incredible sadness, tainted with contempt for my abusers. "but i thought you wanted to meet somebody..." well, i do, thought i... somebody normal. but let's face it people - men are crazy, and i'm exhausted. i don't really know how to play the game, and i refuse to play games, so, i told her, i should just get out.

now, i realize i'm a pretty hot little piece of ass, and that just a few months ago i'd decided to accept the dating challenge from those i'd found worthy. and i'm sure to be changing my tune at some point in the future when some guy makes a big gesture (i love big gestures) and i'm falling all over myself. but for now, here's what i've learned: i can't seem to distinguish the normal ones from the screwed up. if i could have it my way, i'd inject 'the potential' with truth serum & ask him a few questions before the first hi hello: are you interested in taking advantage of me? are you emotionally schizophrenic? a momma's boy? do you have any self-destructive tendencies? do you really think you look good in that? you know, just a series of basic questions to know what i'm getting into. but i can't do that, and i'm sort of tired of being strung along only to find out later that the dude's got secret motives and issues.

so for now, i've taken to doing my own thing. not cause i "need time alone" or "to heal" or some bullshit like that. i'm just... tired. i recorded for the first time in a while last week. fun. i'm yoga-ing again. also, fun. i'm cooking for one - more for me. all-in-all, seems like a good deal. maybe it'll help to make my next relationship a "secured transaction."

oh god. lame law school joke.

i'm already starting to disagree with what i just wrote. go figure.

2006-10-16T11:34:00.001-04:00

i'm thinking of becoming a nun. thoughts? questions? comments?

Morning

2006-10-10T22:00:00.003-04:00

there are two ways to look at life.

actually, that's not accurate; i suppose there are thousands of ways to look at life. but i tend to dwell on two of them. the first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone's life is entropy. the second is that everything pretty much stays the same (more or less) and that everything is completely connected, even if we don't realize it.

there are many mornings when i feel certain that the first perspective is irrefutably true: i wake up, i feel the inescapable oppression of the sunlight pouring through my bedroom window, and i am struck by the fact that i am alone. and that everyone is alone. and that everything i understood seven hours ago has already changed, and that i have to learn everything again.

i guess i am not a morning person.

however, that feeling always passes. in fact, it's usually completely gone before lunch. every new minute of every new day seems to vaguely improve. and i suspect that's because the alternative view - that everything is ultimately like something else and that nothing and no one is autonomous - is probably the greater truth. the math does check out; the numbers do add up. the connections might not be hard-wired into the superstructure to the universe, but it feels like they are whever i put money into a jukebox and everybody in the bar suddenly seems to be having the same conversation. and in that last moment before i fall asleep each night, i understand Everything. the world is one interlocked machine, throbbing and pulsing as a flawless organism.

this is why i will always hate falling asleep.

quarter-life crisis

2006-10-05T12:26:00.001-04:00

i've been having these strange dreams lately where i go to visit my parents in my hometown and nothing is the same as it ever was. i can't remember how to get places, and my favorite park is replaced with an office building. i get home and i find myself pacing the floors of an abandoned house. my parents are gone and i'm really frustrated to learn that my hometown is no longer my home. that the small town where i grew up has grown up too, and in some way, has outgrown me. wants nothing to do with me.

the last time i had these dreams was this summer in d.c. before that, i had them first semester at chapel hill. evidently, leaving michigan, my family, everything i have ever known my whole life, had an effect on me. occasionally, i'd see michigan alumni plates on a car while driving in chapel hill, and at first, i wouldn't think much of it. and then it'd hit me: they're not from here. this is how people probably reacted to seeing my car's plates during my first few months there. she's not from here. she's from michigan. and it's true. i will always be from the midwest. a snow-loving, cherry-picking, suburban girl from michigan. i bake with soda & drink a pop. i know how to pronounce mackinac. even a thumb has geographical, rather than anatomical significance. and yeah, i picked corn in the summers with the farmer behind my house.

but i came back. my parents got sick, my sister met someone great, and i had an open invitation to come back. now, more than a year later, i'm still having these dreams despite my being here. still trying to figure out how to make michigan... how to make any place feel like home. and i realized this: i am looking for something that doesn't really exist anymore.

it's unnerving. i've feel as though i've become the antithesis of my usual idealistic self. i'm tired of the law. i'm tired of trying to help everyone else. i miss the stage. i wanna go back to endless dancing and singing, and i desperately need to start playing my guitar again. i just miss losing myself in something wonderful. it's making everything else lack purpose.

i suppose all people go through this at some point. life happens and it makes people wary of what's to come. you wonder if you lost your footing once you've lost your youth. but while i'm definitely at the quarter mark of my life, i don't want what i'm going through to be a crisis anymore.

2006-10-02T22:47:00.000-04:00

study break

2006-09-05T20:21:00.000-04:00

ok. i'll admit it. everytime i see justin timberlake dance, it makes me want to take off my clothes a little bit.

*sigh* i miss dancing.

what's your greatest weakness?

2006-08-31T13:19:00.001-04:00

i
cannot wait
to be done
INTERVIEWING.

schmoozing and boozing for four full days is exhausting. and i haven't even started school yet... speaking of school, i know i said i'd blog about this but most of you already know that i'm back in michigan. came back to michigan. here in michigan. at michigan law. surprise!... or something. whatev. you already know.

it was scary, and for a while i thought i made the wrong decision, but things are pretty much wonderful here. i love my place, love my roommate, and really like all the students i've met. i miss my chapel thrillians, but it's good to be home.

i don't really have much to say about it right now. everything happened so fast, but for those of you out in nc or d.c. or just not in a deuce, know that i'm well and that i miss you lots.

i'll be out in chicago this weekend having some fun before classes start up again, but i'll be out in ny and chicago almost every weekend this and next month to play with you all during callbacks. so call me. we'll coordinate.

life is crazy. but good. crazy good...

are you SURE you want to remove that?

2006-08-22T20:08:00.001-04:00

my best friend sent this to me, with a tantalizing subject line: "THIS is why you should give indian guys a chance."

i was intrigued, as i'm sure you are now.

thanks friend, but i prefer the one to two-eyed monster. enjoy.

big cigars, strong martinis, fantastic friends

2006-08-14T16:31:00.000-04:00

above: my summer in d.c., basically.

BE A MAN.

2006-08-12T15:46:00.002-04:00

i'm having a massive breakdown.

yesterday, after a long long long day, i walked into my house, put my bag down, and started crying like a baby in the foyer. my parents came over to try and comfort me while i babbled some nonsense through my tears on the living room couch - they nodded while i talked, the way you do when you're waiting for someone to finish. half an hour later, i was in the wimpering stage. my words had become more coherent but they were punctuated with short breaths every 3 to 4 seconds - the way kids half cry after they've been talked down. an hour later, when i'd done all the crying i could, i picked a fight with my parents and stormed up the stairs to sulk.

i think i need some better coping mechanisms. and thicker skin. and fewer emotions. i should be more carefree. a more "eh, shit happens" mentality.

dammit. i suck at this.

michigan, our michigan

2006-08-10T15:08:00.000-04:00

got back home to michigan yesterday afternoon and everything looked so small and felt so strange. it's weird coming back to suburbia when you've been in a city for the last few months. it was such a short amount of time but what i accomplished, who i met, the things i did - it all felt so concentrated. 10 weeks... gosh it feels like a dream... so much happened in such little time. it's hard to accept that it's over. *sigh* i loved my summer in d.c.

coming home is always nice though. there's something about familiarity and tradition that's very comforting... my mom is at mrs. oh's, making indian and korean food for a potluck they're having over the weekend. it's cute watching them laugh and joke around - two little asian women living in troy. and it's nice to see mrs. oh. i've always liked her a lot. and last night i spent the night at my sister's apartment. we fell asleep after watching project runway. i haven't done that with her in months.

comfort is dangerous though. for me, and i think for most people, when things get comfortable, we don't want to move, or change, or question. it'd be harder for me to pursue certain things if i was comfortable most of the time. maybe that's why i like to make things a little hard on myself. take the hard classes, go the road less traveled - it's more difficult but the struggle makes it valuable. i realize that sometimes i don't get things as easily as others do, but in the end i think it's even better.

i don't know how the topic of this post strayed so far, but i can say that it's a good foundation for my next post. i just made a big decision - a career and life-changing decision that a few of you already know about. and i guess to stay in step with the theme, it's one that takes me away from some incredibly comfortable aspects of my life. like i said before though, in the end, i think it'll be even better.

2006-08-06T23:30:00.000-04:00

damn i'm gonna miss dc...

2006-07-30T23:37:00.000-04:00

i came home in the morning and everything was gone, oh what have i done?
i dropped dead in the hallway cursing the dawn, oh come on sun.
why must i burn?
i'm just trying to learn.
i stared into the light to kill some of my pain.
it was all in vain cause no senses remain but an ache in my body and regret on my mind.
but i'll be fine cause i live and i learn.
yes, i live and i learn.
if you live you will learn, and i live and i learn.
got kicked in the head so i started a fight cause i knew i was right, but i learned i was wrong.
i remember a slaughter.
i remember i fought for the money i brought.
i got blisterd and burned and lost what i earned, but i lived and i learned.
yes, i lived and i learned.
i got... i got it now.
i came to on a corner with some help from a man.
and goddamn i don't seem to have learned that a lady in need is guilty indeed.
so i paid and got laid in return...
and i don't know what i've learned.
well you get what you give
and
hell
yes
i
lived.
but if you live as you learn
i don't think i'd be learned.
oh with the sun in my eyes...
surprise, i'm living a life, but i don't seem to learn.
no, i don't think i can learn...

Monkey say, monkey do

2006-07-25T19:48:00.002-04:00

I came home with a new copy of Newsweek magazine today with a science article entitled "Cavemen, Chimps and Us." It would seem that a scientist at the Max Planck Institute in Germany is going to sequence the Neanderthal genome - the complete DNA of the closest known relative to modern humans. Rock.

I'm a bio nut, so the possibility of soon discovering the key molecular changes that led to our race makes me a little giddy. With only a 0.04 percent difference between our DNA and the Neanderthal's, we could finally identify exactly what it is that makes our race different. 0.04 percent - the genes that involve language, brain size, and metabolism. It's pretty amazing how far we've come in science.

In all this, I can't help but feel angry with the evolution/creationism debate. I can't even believe there's anything to debate. It's a scary prospect, knowing that people would rather not know, or would rather discuss science as something you have to "choose to believe" in, as if you could choose to believe or not to believe in carpet or something. Add this to the list of problems that the arrival of our current president has created - religious fanaticism under the guise of political rhetoric has brainwashed people into ignoring what is so clear. It's simply impossible to have a rational conversation with someone who refuses to accept that fossils and DNA of other living creatures exist from a traceable time period. I show you hundreds of carbon-dated skulls and you tell me it's imaginary. How am I to beat that? And I take almost nothing at face value.

The worst part of this debate is that it even exists. To be clear, I am a Hindu, which by definition makes me an agnostic. But I do believe in a greater purpose, and I meditate regularly because I think it works for me, and that it helps me to be thankful for my good fortune and to better understand my downfalls. These things I don't deny. So it's with even greater concern that I address this debate, because I see no reason to believe that evolution somehow destroys faith or the existence of god. I mean, isn't that the point of faith? Of course, while it does contradict some specific interpretations of god, especially ones requiring a literal interpretation, I would like to think that few people have this narrow of a view of god. If so, that kind of belief would breakdown in the face of numerous situations and realities of modern day life. Religion or faith or even spirituality would either have to be complete shit or all true, neither of which seem to be the case.

If the question is whether evolution contradicts a literal interpretation of religion, and more specifically the Bible, then it does. And regardless of what could have happened - regardless of god's potential to create the world in seven days or throw down fire bolts or permanently remove all murderers or whatever - the evidence would still show that evolution is the way things happened. I guess I just don't need dogma to make me feel like I have a purpose and that I might be accountable for the things I do in this life.

2006-07-24T00:03:00.000-04:00

ok so here's my plug.

30 days starts back up this week and
it
is
great.

morgan spurlock hosts the show, asking what would happen if people spent 30 days living in someone else's shoes. last season he did 30 days in the life of a muslim, and 30 days on an organic, vegan farm. this season he's going to do 30 days as an IT consultant in india, 30 days in prison, and 30 days as a new ager. i'm really looking forward to seeing how an atheist handles the 30 days she spends with evangelist christians.

it's a good show. i think if it goes well, both parties learn a bit about each other. it's on FX every wednesday night at 10pm eastern time. check it out and tell me what you think.

2006-07-19T23:52:00.000-04:00

GOD project runway was SO good tonight!
and i watched 6 episodes of 24 at last friday's aajc slumber party. WOWOWOWOW.
oh, devil wears prada was sweet too.

hm... i'm gonna miss my roommates maria and andrea, and graden too. he's honorary. a fun roommate's boyfriend indeed. sad...

i'm kind of on overload right now. i don't want to leave. not to be too real, but i kind of hate where my life is right now and d.c. is seriously keeping me afloat. i'm worried that when i leave, i'm gonna hit a wall and want to quit. quit what? i don't know. just quit. quit period. quit ___. quit. ...back to life. back to school. back to having to deal with life and school. ugh.

i think perhaps for the first time in my life, i don't want to move forward. what an awful thing. gosh i loathe that.

this post just got depressing. dammit. better luck tomorrow-

say cheese

2006-07-17T00:22:00.001-04:00

i finally became part of the digital age last month when i got myself a digital camera. and i must say, it is an addictive piece of equipment. almost everywhere i go, there also goes my camera. in my purse, in my bag, tucked away in an $8 dorky camera sack is my new, shiny little camera.

to be sure, all my camera-lugging stems from a desire to want to document everything. in college, i took a lot of pictures my freshman year but rarely took any of the three years after. it's nice looking back at everything from freshman year, seeing all the friends i'd made then, capturing the first few months of our eternal friendship. gosh i love those pictures.

but i digress. the point is that i thought, "hey. i'm in d.c., seeing things i may never see again. i should get a digital camera." this makes sense.

what i didn't realize is how camera-happy i would become. it's like some weird feeling of power: "look at me. i have an incredible amount of memory and i'm gonna use it." i never have to worry about the limits of film. forget 36. i can hold 500. muhahahaha. ha.

this new "digital camera power" that's seemed to have taken over me is not new. understandably, most people with digitals take more pictures than the ordinary. but let's think about this. i mean, remember looking at your parents' photo albums? their college years - hell, their whole life can be seen in picture format in just a few albums. cameras were bigger; film was expensive. they could hardly take their giant camera out on an ordinary friday night at the bar. it'd be ridiculous.

but now i turn around at a happy hour and people are snapping away. actually, the group of us interns took a few shots while eating crabs yesterday. messy, dirty, gutted crabs. and we weren't the only ones trying to get a shot of our clearly life-changing event.

it's just interesting how our lives will pass down to our children. out of our 97098237458 pictures, which ones will we pick to show them? which moments will we treasure?

and is it that important to get it all on film? sometimes it's just better to have it in your head. in the end, the most memorable events of my life just aren't saved on film, you know?

i have no conclusions about this. it's not deep. i just think the rise of the digital age is magnifying what we can capture - what we can store. as long as we don't let the picture-taking get in the way of experiencing the moment.

it'll be interesting to see what it'll be like 20 years from now... and how many pictures i'll have taken.

warshington

2006-07-13T23:57:00.000-04:00

i just wrote a whole entry and somehow lost it. grrr.

i will just say these few things:
i love my work.
i love my coworkers.
i love my boss.
i love this city.

goodnight. =)

the chronic (what?!) cles of narnia

2006-07-11T23:42:00.000-04:00

the much promised chronicles of my adventures in d.c.
starting...

now.

with this picture of today's fortune cookie. hooollleeeeer.

busy little bees

2006-07-10T00:39:00.001-04:00

true true. i've been a bit busy. mostly wrapped up in self-reflection. but also wrapped up in the hubbub of life here in d.c., where one out of every five people is an attorney and even the taxi cab drivers know more about political affairs than you do. it's exciting and tiring and even a bit silly knowing that i'm here. here in the land of double-ya and shitty government. every day, i am playing pool with the man. i can see why on average politicians live shorter lives - this work is invigorating but exhausting.

i have an unbelievable week ahead of me filled with lots of deadlines and little sleep so i'll have to push my updating to later this week or next week. don't be sad. d.c. will eventually get documented at some point or another.

more to come - formerly promised pictures, stories on a wasted suchin pak, and tips on taking the metro.

2006-06-24T18:50:00.000-04:00

i know i promised pictures, but those will have to come a little later.

i got home last night from baltimore with a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach, so i called my mom and found out my 16-year-old cousin was in a massive car accident yesterday afternoon. he's in the icu under critical care right now with two broken ribs and a lacerated spleen. needless to say, i've been crying and upset and wondering whether i should fly home or not. answer: not. i checked and tickets are over $400 and i just don't have the money.

in this moment, i'm requesting all of your strongest prayers/good thoughts/whatever you want to call it on behalf of my cousin. thanks in advance-

2006-06-23T11:02:00.000-04:00

my man.

it's official. ken and i are loving being lovers. doesn't he look gooood?
sing it, baby. sing it.

off to baltimore with the aajc crew right now. pictures to come.

the most sumptuous

2006-06-20T23:46:00.002-04:00

duuuuude. got some HOT stuff at victoria's secret today. muy muy caliente. it was like an asian american justice center ladies party this afternoon. we all left work around 6pm and magically, every one of us females went next door for the big bin sale. i went with connie and rukku and turned around to find pang hua. you should've seen the light in our eyes - we were gleaming with joy.

there is nothing like bra and panty bonding with your girls. the colors, the textures, the sheer bliss of push-up and v-string. seamless and strapless and halter. oh my! it's so fun. "ooooh it's red. and check out those strings. is that satin? where's that go... oh. hooooot." i love it. i think lingerie is just something that makes women feel sexy and attractive, and the best part is no matter whether a woman is attached, unattached, or something in between, she can do it for herself. it's empowering to know that you're donning the hottest little number under your suit - and it's even more empowering that no one but you knows. lingerie doesn't just have an effect on men - it has an effect on women. when a woman wears lingerie for herself, she radiates a quality of confidence and beauty. and let me tell you, every woman deserves to feel comfortable, lovely, and wanted.

yay for the panty! who knew so little could do so much.

2006-06-15T00:41:00.000-04:00

shit

right now.

at this very moment.

my life really really sucks. i don't exactly feel sorry for myself as much as i feel angry - unbelievably angry and upset and pissed off at the world and everyone in it (except for my dad).

channel my energy? i don't know how. not when you're fuming and sad and completely occupied with it. perhaps a mistake was made. i'm mostly hoping for that. please god let there have been a mistake. a simple error. a flick of a pen in the wrong direction. yes, that's it. if i believe it, it will happen. it must happen. repeat the manta, remain focused.

everyone cross your fingers... i need a bit'o'luck.

2006-06-12T23:59:00.000-04:00

nano nano

after having trouble with my ipod nano for the last many months, i finally took it into a store today only to discover that there is nothing i can do - i have a shit nano. i have no receipt, no idea when it was bought, and no credit card number from which it was bought. i have no warranty and never really got to use it because it never seemed to work. it seems like this one might have been one of those bad nanos that came out in the first few months of their making. and of course it had to find its cursed little way over to me.

expensive worthless piece of crap made by apple. i should've known it was too good to be true. *sigh* story of my life.

i dream of panda

2006-06-11T23:15:00.001-04:00

dear friends. i would like you to meet my friend - baby panda, tai shan. tai shan (meaning "peaceful mountain") was born july 9th, almost one year ago to the happy giant panda parents mei xiang and tian tian. he is healthy, happy, and as cute as can be.

i'd been planning on visiting tai shan for months now (shut up. they're my favorite animals), ever since i found out i was coming to d.c. for the summer. though i'd planned on visiting little tai shan around my birthday, i caved and decided to go earlier instead...

let me just tell you that no other creature has ever had such an effect on me as little baby panda tai shan. i almost jumped into the panda habitat in an effort to coo and cuddle and climb trees with the little bamboo-eating fluffball. i think that life would be perfect if i could just spend all my time with the panda family, rolling around in grass, living the moral vegetarian life that i've always aspired to lead. yes indeed - after seeing the pandas, i feel like i want to be one. yup. my obesession is that bad...

i already miss the panda...

i think i'll go back to see little baby panda again. he makes me... happy. =)

Hey basket, meet all my eggs!

2006-05-30T14:53:00.003-04:00

Although I've tried to keep my whining to a minimum here, for the past 2 weeks or so, I have been thinking little else besides where my love life is going. It's sick, really. Unlike my southern female counterparts, I have no desire to get married in the near future. Currently, the thought of children and puppies and suburbs equals intellectual death to me. No - that life, if it chooses to exist, will emerge no earlier than the age of 28. I've got at least half a decade before I spend the rest of my life breadwinning for my stay-at-home husband and breeding baby Avanis. And i've decided, to my parents' dissent, that if I choose to go it alone, I will be inseminating my little eggs, preferably with the sperm of an active, attractive, and intelligent gay male (hi Ryan). I mean, I owe it to our world to reproduce. Look at me. These genetics should not be wasted.

Evidently, I'm both horrified and -- yes, I'm embarrassed to admit -- that I am on a nonquest quest for the perfect man. Over the past week, while talking to friends, it occurred to me that I want to be in love in a forever-love kind of way. No more I'm-in-love-with-you guys but-I-have-the-same-emotional-and-developmental-capacity-as-I-did in-7th-grade. I tire of these boys and their inability to grow. It's silly. And selfish. And sad. And a waste of my time. To these boys, I say go have your silly ventures with women of equal silly calibur. I choose men.

Now, I don't want you to fear for me. I am not and never have been the kind of girl who goes looking for love because she's uncontent - "I want a boyfriend. I'm so empty and sad when I'm alone." Waa waa. Cry me a river. I'm not poking fun at these women, only hoping that they realize their own independent capacity to be happy. Yes, I too have had my heart stepped on - ripped out, stomped on, and put into a juicer is more like it. I've cried for love lost and the resulting agony. I still do. But I hope for a better man in the future. He must be intelligent, hilarious, and unbelievably compassionate. He will wrestle with life; he will defend me; he will disagree with his friends, family, and me. And none of it will come between us. Ah yes, i want somebody to love. (Enter unicorns, rainbows, and ewan mcgregor serenades)

"Ah ha!" you say. But love is not so simple, and it's reciprocal. Don't just go looking for love - get it in return. To this I give you a quote -- it's cheesy, but poignant: "I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." I LOVE that. Love isn't always unicorns and rainbows, it's torture. It's Antony and Cleopatra; it's U2's with or without you; it's ram and sita. It's romantic and sometimes painful and compromising.

I want that. And while I fall into slumps sometimes, blaming myself for not having found it, I know there is nothing more I could have done to turn my boyfriends into introspective, intelligent, confident men. There is only so much handholding a woman can do, and i mean that both literally and figuratively.

So I'm putting all my eggs in the dating basket - destiny needs a little push sometimes. I'm eliminating no one at round one, giving him every opportunity to show me a good time. My current/last boyfriend, whatever he is, had the indecency to just stop calling me so I responded with the same courtesy: I went on a date. Not to find love, but to remind myself that I am capable of it again. And he was smart, charming, inquisitive. Nothing romantic will come of it, but much else did - including a personal feeling of satisfaction in myself, what I have to offer, and how another may be drawn to appreciate it. And that is something I both want and need.

in favor of thinking

2006-05-29T21:39:00.003-04:00

the last two weeks have been exhausting in a weird, disconnected way. i've been up in my head, circling ideas about sex and death and vegetarianism. i thought a lot about troubling things - tibet and the president and intolerance. and relationships. always relationships.

it's been kind of a polar introspective look at life, my life, other's lives - i've been struck with bouts of happiness sparsed with depression and a general feeling that i seem to lack an understanding of how people really work.

i was talking to a friend about this when we went to get sushi. on the most basic level, we know that if we're kind to people, they'll be kind back. act like a bitch and you can't expect anything in return. we know this. we learn this as children. i give you my jello at lunchtime, you'll play with me at recess (or at least think of me next time you have pudding). it would seem then that if you beat the shit out of me, i would not be inviting you to my birthday party, or anything else for that matter. actually, i'd stay the hell away from you if i knew what was good for me.

as we get older, this basic structure of how to treat others becomes the footing of society, delegating how much respect everyone from our lovers to the waiter at the restaurant deserves. and whether you believe it or not, our respect karma does bite us in the ass: "no you idiot - i said well done" + no tip will land your next steak on the floor of the restaurant kitchen. if not then, then another time, and the resulting food poisoning will be undocumented in the inspector's recordings.

i know all this and have throughout my life found it to ring true. society stands on this very simple notion alone - to treat others as you wish to be treated. and yes, the cliches are right: do no harm, be respectful, better yourself by bettering others, love deeply, question others, listen to your conscience. when we fail to do this or fail to honestly strive to do these things, we fail at much that is great about life. perhaps we fail at it all together. the simple life is always just that - a simple, unexamined, easy life. no challenges. no struggles. just coasting... it's attractive, but never fulfilling.

i've always felt this way about life, trying to make sure that i lived in a way that was meaningful to me - understanding it through my own senses, my own perception of what is good and bad filtered through a lens of reason and logic. i reject one thing, agree with the other. i question my parents' teachings. i listen to my enemies. yup, ignorance is bliss alright. knowledge often hurts at first. the world is full of painful truths and ideas that we think we'd be better off not having to honestly examine... and the struggle... the struggle was and is always the hardship that comes with truth. but damn it feels good to have information and knowledge and disagreements - to feel like you stand behind something for good reason. such "conflict" has become the touchstone of a meaningful existence: "i don't care if my life is messy and complicated. at least i know i'm living it."

but while i've generally found truth and happiness in complications and struggles, i am this time feeling a little lost and lonely, unable to convince myself that this too shall pass. knowing that the best things in life are worth fighting for, i persevered. i believed that others did the same. "people are inherently good, and good people never make the same mistakes twice." perhaps they do.

i keep wondering if i've done something wrong (i haven't) or could've done more (i couldn't), but my reliance on that basic be-nice-and-i'll-be-nice-back concept never ceases to bite me in the ass. i guess that's what you get when you try and make friends with the bully - you get the shit kicked out of you.

quote of the day

2006-05-29T20:52:00.001-04:00

Seven times have I despised my soul: The first time when I saw her being meek that she might attain height. The second time when I saw her limping before the crippled. The third time when she was given to choose between the hard and the easy, and she chose the easy. The fourth time when she committed a wrong, and comforted herself that others also commit wrong. The fifth time when she forbore for weakness, and attributed her patience to strength. The sixth time when she despised the ugliness of a face, and knew not that it was one of her own masks. And the seventh time when she sang a song of praise, and deemed it a virtue.

-- Kahlil Gibran, Sand and Foam

Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence. --Hal Borland

I read each carefully; I understand them better.

realization and resignation

2006-05-23T13:08:00.001-04:00

i think i'll go home and mull this over
before i cram it down my throat.
at long last it's crashed, this colossal mass
has broken up into bits in my moat.

lift the mattress off the floor
walk the cramps off
go meander in the cold
hail to your dark skin
hiding the fact you're dead again
underneath the powerlines seeking shade

far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason.

it's a luscious mix of words and tricks
that let us bet when you know we should fold
on rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped
and all the whole mess of roads we're now on.

hold your glass up, hold it in
never betray the way you've always known it is.
one day i'll be wondering how
i got so old just wondering how
i never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.

this is way beyond my remote concern of being condescending.

oh these squawking birds won't quit.
building nothing, laying bricks.

hold your glass up, hold it in
never betray the way you've always known it is.
one day i'll be wondering how
i got so old just wondering how
i never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.

this is way beyond my remote concern of being condescending.

oh these squawking birds won't quit.
building nothing, laying bricks.

2006-05-19T21:52:00.000-04:00

every time i think my life is getting better, someone or something has to make me change my mind.

bloody gauze

2006-05-17T22:40:00.001-04:00

my parents are in the stands at the pistons game. my sister is probably making out with her boyfriend. my boyfriend is... actually, i haven't talked to him in a few days. and i? i am sitting on my parents bed with a mouth full of bloody gauze because i just had my wisdom teeth removed.

this is the best vaca EVER.

2006-03-25T17:35:00.000-05:00

i think flowers are nice. i think chocolate is stupid, but i think flowers are nice. and not just your traditional red roses - i'm not talking about those (though red roses are still nice). yellow roses - now those are nice. they're cheerful. they say, "i love you, but you know, i also like you too. we're friends and that's neat." now isn't that... nice?

and daisies. can we just talk about daisies for a second. why are they so underrated? now i know i don't speak for all women, but personally, i think daisies from any man is just a happy, friendly gesture. they're so bright and smiley. your lady-friend is sick. you bring her daisies. poof! smiles all around. and i think if you get a girlfriend some daisies and she doesn't like them, and she's like, "what are these? daisies?" then she's really just kind of... well, she's just... not so nice. and you're obviously nice because you got her daisies. so, nice guy + not nice girl gives you what? - zero. it's like an equation. you knock each other out. i'm just sayin, men be careful of chicks that don't like your daisies.

literally, not figuratively. gosh.

2006-03-18T19:18:00.000-05:00

i hate being disappointed in others even more than i hate being disappointed in myself.

uh.

asian flush

2006-02-07T21:48:00.003-05:00

ever do anything and realize - as you're doing it - that you shouldn't be? yup. did that today. it sucks.

story: so i hear singing from where i'm eating lunch with friends. "where is that coming from?" we ask, as we make our way over to the rotunda. "hey look! they're singing the anthem for a competition. you should do it, avani."

"no... really?"
"yeah! do it!"
"um, okay!" (this is where the mistake started)

i don't warm up. i've been eating yogurt and drinking milk all morning. and by the time i'm infront of the mic i realize this might not be a good idea, seeing as this is no regular audience - it's LAW students (also known as i-know-these-people-and-have-to-see-them-on-a-daily-basis, kill me now).

i know. i'm a singer. i've sung on live tv for the pistons, for the president of the university, for 4,000 people at my dream venue. i rock. go me. but the thing is, singing infront of people i actually know (and kind of, um, mostly dislike) makes me more nervous than ANYTHING. this i know. this i failed to think about.

my little greenies are shaking their heads: "you should've known." let me explain: every greenie knows that at some point at every musical retreat, there is a solo workshop. now for those of you that have been in a group of 15 of the most talented people you've ever known, you KNOW that singing infront of them (not to be confused with performing) is a significantly daunting task. members, all of us frequent public singers, dwell over musical retreat night. we spend days trying to figure out what song we're going to sing - how we're going to sing it. why? well, it's the idea of being judged. yes yes... your voice will inevitably be judged by people at any performance, but the thing is, they don't know you. hell, you may never see them again. so you go nuts with the vocal acrobatics, you have a little fun. you get down and dirty and sing your little heart out. it's a fucking rush. but singing infront of your greenies - now that's like taking a public shit. at these solo workshops, i have witnessed greenies fall apart. they forget words, or shake uncontrollably; sweat drips down their faces; they turn red and end up singing with their backs to the group. you'd never believe these are the same 15 people who you've watched belt out songs for hundreds of students, all the while jumping off stage and dancing with audience members. yeah. vocal performers - we'll do anything for a hype crowd.

so if singing infront of my 15 friends makes me want to die, imagine me singing infront of my law school, remembering that law students = evil spawn. i don't know WHAT i was thinking. i looked out, starting singing, and immediately wanted to kill myself.

see how it was a mistake?

"i can ... see all of them... it is not dark... i'm not on stage... this is really... lame. oh my gosh i feel silly." everywhere i looked, there was evil spawn. i was surrounded.

i did not sweat. i certainly did not turn around. but i did shake, inside out. my hands shook, so my voice shook. i somehow kept singing, though it came out a little... funny. *sigh*

so anyways, there are two morals to this story:
1) law students = evil spawn, and
2) think before you act (this is clearly the more profound one)

silly me.

jenny

2006-01-31T21:35:00.001-05:00

for a long time - actually a short time - but for a long time, i had decided that it was appropriate to name my guitar, the way men name their penises. i figured, if they can name their significant appendage, so can i.

so i named her jenny - simple 'ol white girl jenny. the kind of jenny that forrest gump falls in love with, minus the crack and southern accent, which would have technically make her "jinny." anyway, there's no way that a musical instrument could be anything less than a female, unless it's a recorder, which doesn't fall into a gendered category. so sorry. but music, and anything that makes it, feels innately feminine. like men who sing. actually, no. that's kind of hot. i digress.

the point is, in light of all my recent musical revelations, i have realized how much i miss jenny. i've been writing songs like a maniac but i have nothing to pick up and just play... even though i suck.

so i've asked a friend at school if i could maybe borrow his guitar. apparently, i can't unless i come over, get drunk over a few beers, and play music. this is, given my fear of playing in public, highly unlikely. *sigh* i guess i'll just keep writing and singing in my room.

oh jenny, i miss you.

2006-01-28T20:13:00.000-05:00

christmas '05

texas hold em... with chana. red and green jello shots made by a 19-year-old. monica's babies. rocky - MARRIED. really really hard lemonade. really really fun. prom pictures. friends, but really family. you can't forget a holiday like this.

miss you, "hemo."

2006-01-20T20:29:00.000-05:00

they drew a circle that shut us out
heretics, rebels, things to flout
but love and we had the wit to win
we drew a circle that took them in

i don't usually do this.
actually, i never do.

hey. you asked.

enjoy: dr. ken phifer.

2006-01-12T18:59:00.000-05:00

the cry fest

wow it sucks to be back in chapel not-so-thrill. a lot of nothing felt a whole lot good. break - good. sleeping in - gooooood. family - good. friends - good. law school - not good. so yeah. *sigh*

but my mom said some things to me today worth noting about my general unhappiness. it went sort of like this:

mom: what's wrong?
me: you know... i've just got my brain wrapped around the same old stuff. i just don't want to be here right now...
mom: i know, but the more you tell yourself that, the worse it'll be. just try & focus on school and block out the other stuff.
me: easier said than done, mom.

pause

me: hello?

pause

me: hellooo?
mom: let some things go.
me: what?
mom: let some things go.
me: what are you talking about?
mom: i mean, being sensitive is wonderful. it makes you caring, considerate, compassionate. but it also means you take things personally, that you dwell on matters that you've thought enough about. let them go.
me: but i don't...
mom: doesn't matter if you don't understand why certain things happen. sometimes, people are a certain way because they are. sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do. so let it go. some things are resolved, you're just not seeing the resolution.

mom and i kept talking for a bit about this and that. she kept giving me pieces of advice and i just did a lot of listening. of course, before i hung up she told me to make sure i drank milk. (typical asian mom.) so while things in my heart don't feel completely resolved right now, i feel a little better. friends from home - this is not permission for you to stop calling me. it's simply me saying the following:
1) i'll be ok
2) with you by my side
3) and listen to your mom

2006-01-02T00:43:00.000-05:00

like any other living, breathing, bored person on earth i was full of it when i heard that dear old babs and barry were going to reunite & fill everyone's worlds with magical wonder one more time before she dies. hopefully. and how could you NOT know about this wondrous new cd/vinyl/tape/8-track coming out? it's got its very own COMMERCIAL, kids. and from it, you can really tell how much they get along. look how genuine they look, leaning in closely but not TOO close to one another. it's hot. see how painfully in love babs is? she's got the look.

now while i would never actually take the time out of my valuable day to listen to one of her songs, i did grade them all by their titles & what i was doing while i read them. so here you have it.

1. come tomorrow
i like where its going, but not where its been. try harder. 4.5

2. hideaway
that's a movie, so babs, you lose points on originality, but this ice cream hits the spot so i'll give you a 6.0

3. stranger in a strange land
oh this one scares me. reminds me of that strange movie, scary movie. just because i'm watching it right now means nothing. 3.0

4. it's up to you
i like it because it's abstract. and just look at all those vowels in the title! 8.0

5. night of my life
tell me the dirty sticky details, babs. then again, no. though, this one really took the effort out of forcing myself to cry. it was beautiful and it made me feel beautiful because you're beautiful. nevermind. you've touched me. 6.0

6. above the law
danger. barry - hold that mad bojangler back! 9.5

7. without your love (along the way)
along the way to where? and without who's love? barry's? i don't get it. but brackets in song titles always deserve a 10.

8. all the children
all MY children. MY children. susan lucci, bitches! don't mess. 0.5

9. golden dawn
if i'm not mistaken, babs means golden showers. sicko. 1.0

10. (our love) don't throw it all away
words in brackets BEFORE the title! you're breaking the boundaries and lines and things! this is not the same as before. 5.0

11. letting
letting what? i don't even understand it. it's giving me cramps and making me think about landlord/tenant law. that's never good. 3.88

now i just want to leave you crazy kids with one everlasting thought. where's barry's hand going? and does that explain babs' face? that's nasty. i love it.

feels like rolling thunder

2005-12-30T02:58:00.001-05:00

good is good & bad is bad
but you don't know which one you had.
she put your books out on the sidewalk, now they're blowing 'round...
but they won't help you when you're down.

love's on your list of things to do
to bring your good luck back to you.
& if you think that everything's unfair, would you care?
would you care if you're the last one standing there?

then everytime you hear the rolling thunder
you turn around before the lightening strikes.
and does it ever make you stop and wonder?
if all your good times pass you by?

i don't hold no mystery
but i can show you how to turn the key.
cause all i know is where i started
you're so downhearted
and that's not where you want to be.

then everytime you hear the rolling thunder
you turn around before the lightening strikes.
and you could find a rock to crawl right under
if all your good times pass you by

when the day is done
and the world is sleeping
and the moon is on its way to shine
all your friends are gone
you thought were so worth keeping
you feel you don’t belong
but you don’t know why

and everytime you hear the rolling thunder
then you turn around before the lightening strikes
and does it ever make you stop and wonder?
if all your good times pass you by?

when the day is done
and the world is sleeping
and the moon is on its way to shine
when your friends are gone
you thought were so worth keeping
you feel you don’t belong
neither do i

snack attack

2005-12-17T20:05:00.001-05:00

ok, like, guess what. i'm sitting on the couch infront of the fire watching home alone. my parents are across the street having dinner at the oh's, my sister's getting ready for her hot date with the hot filipino, and my friend is coming over with thai food. life is so f'ing good right now. UH!

the semester? well, law school is an awful thing. nobody actually cares about the doctrine of worthier title or the rule 20 gap. no one normal at least. but it's over and my friends at school had just as awful as a time i did studying so at least i could drag them down with me. my sister visited over thanksgiving between her rotations, chris visited twice, and sorum's coming in january. and thanks for all the cards, friends. they were much needed.

i am so happy to be home. so far, i've only visited sarah and her swollen belly. i can't believe i'm gonna be auntie avani to another baby - i am so excited. i'll be in a2 on monday so i'll see the rest of you creeps then. and let's not even talk about how excited i am about new year's. until then, i'll be spending a lot of time watching the whole first season of lost with chris in troy.

YES!

will call soon! happy christmaka!

what is a bojangle? how 'bout them bojangles? to bojangle or not to bojangle? - a response to the seething questions of a yankee - by jason idilbi

2005-11-18T15:32:00.002-05:00

1. bojangle
v. to steal, acquire, pilfer, snatch, swipe, or otherwise take subversively.
That guy bojangled my wallet!

2. bojangle
a. to chill on the blunt instead of passing it.
He's bojangling on that - think he hit it like 6 times already.
b. to do nothing
You bojangle around your house instead of going out and partying.

3. bojangle
v. When people say they're gonna do something and don't. Maybe also be used as a noun where someone is a known "bojangler." Origin: Northern Virginia.
It was supposed to be a huge party but everyone bojangled so it was just the three of us.

4. bojangle
one who is very brown (such as Avani!)
that kid was very bojangles!

5. bojangle
to jingle the balls while giving head.
dat bitch was bojangle for hours and it felt so good.

6. Bojangles
A tasty Southern restaurant serving delicious Sweet Tea and homemade biscuits.

daddy

2005-11-16T20:20:00.001-05:00

my dad just had pretty massive surgery... and i just can't concentrate.

so gay

2005-11-13T09:54:00.000-05:00

stolen from alex. enjoy.

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were
allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

back to life. back to reality.

2005-11-07T18:02:00.002-05:00

you all know that the last two weeks of my life have sucked harder than a tootsie roll pop... worst shit ever. and, as a result, i'm so behind in school i should drop out. you all know this - no need to hash it out. "blah blah... life sucks... school is hard..."

last saturday though, i went out of town to a diwali party at my roommate's house. my roommate, some friends of ours, and myself all drove to her family's house, got all dressed up, and celebrated the indian new year at the local country club. though i had a great time, i must admit that i thought about how far behind i was in school and how crazy my life has been the last few weeks a couple of times that night. i remember thinking to myself, "monday is going to be awful."

the thing is, around 11:45pm that night, while dancing with my friends on the dance floor, a man at the party collapsed and suffered a massive heart attack. the music stopped and the doctors at the scene started cpr while the rest of us watched quietly, waiting for the ambulance. by the time the ems came, the man had been aspirated for at least 5 minutes from the vomit that had blocked his lungs, and when they took him away in the ambulance, the whole room seemed to be in collective prayer.

when i think about everything going on in my life right now, i can't help but feel a little foolish. school and relationships, jobs and friends - all the drama we have in our lives seems insignificant in the scope of it all. i guess what i'm saying is that life is precious. pay attention to the little things. be caring. call your family. listen to your friends. recognize the people that love you and let nothing else matter but loving them back. because when it's all said and done, those are the only things that you'll be thinking about and that is what makes life a success.

sal mubarak

2005-11-03T23:38:00.002-05:00

it's a new year - an indian new year - which quite frankly has always seemed better, more auspicious, i suppose. given the past few weeks and in light of today's good luck, i've decided to share this year's personal list of instant karma. enjoy, and have a happy new year!

practice being brave
offer milk & graham crackers to someone feeling down
be tender with the young
listen before you act
visit your neighbor
give complementary nicknames
know what to overlook
accept your own limitations
follow the yoga niyamas: be pure, be content, be disciplined, be studious, be devoted
sleep avidly and dream vividly
help a person die well
acknowledge hardworking service people
dance a little bit every day
yield
never stop wooing your beloved
of two evils, choose neither
start where you are

the tanning bed factor

2005-10-06T20:34:00.001-04:00

sorry. i've been studying. though senator john edwards sometimes ends up in the middle of our law school.

weird.

did i mention he's like, freakishly good looking up close? it's like his face is airbrushed in real life.

that's all for now. back to being tortious...

katrina

2005-09-07T17:05:00.001-04:00

i haven't really had the opportunity to spend much time watching the tube since school started. i acknowledge this lack of "opportunity" is completely selfish, but today i came home after classes and watched tv for an hour and i can't help but feel deeply affected, if not overwhelmed. i want to just suggest to those of you reading this to donate money. relief supplies funded by monetary donations are needed more than anything else.

donate money now.

i should've gone to med school

2005-09-02T09:13:00.001-04:00

sorry i've missed most of your calls or not called you back, but as it turns out, law school is no joke. it's only been one week, but all i do is read and brief, read and brief. so don't feel bad - it's not you. i'm really not calling anyone.

will call soon. i promise.

New faces. New places.

2005-08-24T01:23:00.001-04:00

You know the point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. You'll see one day when you move out. Just sorta happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know? You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. You know, for... your kids. For the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know? Maybe that's all family really is - a group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

townies

2005-07-15T22:02:00.001-04:00

let me first begin by saying that boston was fabulous.
fabulous.
fabulous.
fabulous.

i miss rosebud's omelets and its makeup caked, 60-year-old waitress. i miss judy's sexual escapades. i miss having to 'turn right to turn left' and the 'caution: elderly' signs. i really really miss the no-smoking-in-massachusetts-bars. hell, i even miss getting my stilettos stuck in harvard square's brick roads.

i do not, however, miss the townies. sure, i might in a few weeks look back upon them fondly, but no. i do not miss the townies.

another fuzzy naval please!
i miss you, boston. i really do.

sigh.

2005-07-02T02:47:00.000-04:00

an indian summer

i realize it's been a long time, but i just can't seem to get my thoughts together. i have about five drafts in my "posts" file, all of which lack a central theme and/or conclusion. however, realizing that a blog can't exist without actual publication, i've decided that i will publish this entry, even if i do get sleepy, hungry, or just plain bored. if you know me well, you know that's a huge sacrifice. *sigh* i love you that much.

so another year has passed. i'm officially 23 years old, and although it's a bit scary, it's also refreshing to think about all that lies ahead of me: new places, new people, new experiences. i'm excited to be challenged again, both professionally and personally.

i know it's cheesy, but this past year gave me the perspective necessary to take law school seriously and to value the real work attorneys do. last year, when i was debating my employment opportunities, i hesitated to take this job. just as it was offered to me, two others, one as a pr publicist in manhattan and the other as an assistant buyer in san francisco, were offered at the same time. they were awesome jobs - that i don't deny. but my work this year wasn't just interesting and exciting; it was creating social change. it was battered women who'd never had an advocate, and 65-year-olds not getting their well-deserved social security. it was knowing attorneys who loved their jobs and clients that brought me cards. it was all the motivation i needed for the three very difficult years i know i'll have ahead of me.

ok ok. cheese aside, my birthday was fun. thank you for all the phone calls! they made me smile. =) i had more of a birthday weekend than a day: columbus on saturday (pride parade. holla), toledo zoo on sunday, and cedar point on monday. after all the traveling, i ended up with strep throat (never had it) and very sore feet, but it was worth it. =) since the strep, i've lost my voice and had a constant headache. BUT! all my problems will surely fade away because by 9am monday morning, i will be in boston! wooot wooot! hi sorum!

not too much else is going on. i'm distressed about o'connor retiring and the legal system being run by conservative ideology, but i guess there's enough to say there for another post. i suggest you read "the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime." it's good. i'm currently reading "the wonder spot," melissa bank's follow-up novel since "the girl's guide to hunting and fishing." when i say currently reading, i mean i've read exactly seven pages. right now, i'm watching tlc's "what not to wear." have you ever seen this? finally, they come out and say it: ug boots are ugly.

oh, and my ba (mother's mommy) is back from india. she's... the best.

ok. time for bed. night!

2005-05-31T20:21:00.000-04:00

game just started.
i hope we win.

go pistons. go.