The poison pill

There should be a pill you can take to make love go away.

lost

just because i'm losing
doesn't mean i've lost
doesn't mean i'll stop
doesn't mean i would cross

just because i'm hurting
doesn't mean i'm hurt
doesn't mean i didn't get what i deserved
no better & no worse

i just got lost
every river that i tried to cross
every door i ever tried was locked
and i'm just waiting till the shine wears off

you might be a big fish in a little pond
doesn't mean you've won
'cause along may come
a bigger one

and you'll be lost
every river that you tried to cross
every gun you ever held went off
and i'm just waiting until the firing stops
and i'm just waiting until the shine wears off

quote of the day

Seven times have I despised my soul: The first time when I saw her being meek that she might attain height. The second time when I saw her limping before the crippled. The third time when she was given to choose between the hard and the easy, and she chose the easy. The fourth time when she committed a wrong, and comforted herself that others also commit wrong. The fifth time when she forbore for weakness, and attributed her patience to strength. The sixth time when she despised the ugliness of a face, and knew not that it was one of her own masks. And the seventh time when she sang a song of praise, and deemed it a virtue.

-- Kahlil Gibran, Sand and Foam

Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence. --Hal Borland

I read each carefully; I understand them better.

asian flush

ever do anything and realize - as you're doing it - that you shouldn't be? yup. did that today. it sucks.

story: so i hear singing from where i'm eating lunch with friends. "where is that coming from?" we ask, as we make our way over to the rotunda. "hey look! they're singing the anthem for a competition. you should do it, avani."

"no... really?"
"yeah! do it!"
"um, okay!" (this is where the mistake started)

i don't warm up. i've been eating yogurt and drinking milk all morning. and by the time i'm infront of the mic i realize this might not be a good idea, seeing as this is no regular audience - it's LAW students (also known as i-know-these-people-and-have-to-see-them-on-a-daily-basis, kill me now).

i know. i'm a singer. i've sung on live tv for the pistons, for the president of the university, for 4,000 people at my dream venue. i rock. go me. but the thing is, singing infront of people i actually know (and kind of, um, mostly dislike) makes me more nervous than ANYTHING. this i know. this i failed to think about.

my little greenies are shaking their heads: "you should've known." let me explain: every greenie knows that at some point at every musical retreat, there is a solo workshop. now for those of you that have been in a group of 15 of the most talented people you've ever known, you KNOW that singing infront of them (not to be confused with performing) is a significantly daunting task. members, all of us frequent public singers, dwell over musical retreat night. we spend days trying to figure out what song we're going to sing - how we're going to sing it. why? well, it's the idea of being judged. yes yes... your voice will inevitably be judged by people at any performance, but the thing is, they don't know you. hell, you may never see them again. so you go nuts with the vocal acrobatics, you have a little fun. you get down and dirty and sing your little heart out. it's a fucking rush. but singing infront of your greenies - now that's like taking a public shit. at these solo workshops, i have witnessed greenies fall apart. they forget words, or shake uncontrollably; sweat drips down their faces; they turn red and end up singing with their backs to the group. you'd never believe these are the same 15 people who you've watched belt out songs for hundreds of students, all the while jumping off stage and dancing with audience members. yeah. vocal performers - we'll do anything for a hype crowd.

so if singing infront of my 15 friends makes me want to die, imagine me singing infront of my law school, remembering that law students = evil spawn. i don't know WHAT i was thinking. i looked out, starting singing, and immediately wanted to kill myself.

see how it was a mistake?

"i can ... see all of them... it is not dark... i'm not on stage... this is really... lame. oh my gosh i feel silly." everywhere i looked, there was evil spawn. i was surrounded.

i did not sweat. i certainly did not turn around. but i did shake, inside out. my hands shook, so my voice shook. i somehow kept singing, though it came out a little... funny. *sigh*

so anyways, there are two morals to this story:
1) law students = evil spawn, and
2) think before you act (this is clearly the more profound one)

silly me.