in favor of thinking

the last two weeks have been exhausting in a weird, disconnected way. i've been up in my head, circling ideas about sex and death and vegetarianism. i thought a lot about troubling things - tibet and the president and intolerance. and relationships. always relationships.

it's been kind of a polar introspective look at life, my life, other's lives - i've been struck with bouts of happiness sparsed with depression and a general feeling that i seem to lack an understanding of how people really work.

i was talking to a friend about this when we went to get sushi. on the most basic level, we know that if we're kind to people, they'll be kind back. act like a bitch and you can't expect anything in return. we know this. we learn this as children. i give you my jello at lunchtime, you'll play with me at recess (or at least think of me next time you have pudding). it would seem then that if you beat the shit out of me, i would not be inviting you to my birthday party, or anything else for that matter. actually, i'd stay the hell away from you if i knew what was good for me.

as we get older, this basic structure of how to treat others becomes the footing of society, delegating how much respect everyone from our lovers to the waiter at the restaurant deserves. and whether you believe it or not, our respect karma does bite us in the ass: "no you idiot - i said well done" + no tip will land your next steak on the floor of the restaurant kitchen. if not then, then another time, and the resulting food poisoning will be undocumented in the inspector's recordings.

i know all this and have throughout my life found it to ring true. society stands on this very simple notion alone - to treat others as you wish to be treated. and yes, the cliches are right: do no harm, be respectful, better yourself by bettering others, love deeply, question others, listen to your conscience. when we fail to do this or fail to honestly strive to do these things, we fail at much that is great about life. perhaps we fail at it all together. the simple life is always just that - a simple, unexamined, easy life. no challenges. no struggles. just coasting... it's attractive, but never fulfilling.

i've always felt this way about life, trying to make sure that i lived in a way that was meaningful to me - understanding it through my own senses, my own perception of what is good and bad filtered through a lens of reason and logic. i reject one thing, agree with the other. i question my parents' teachings. i listen to my enemies. yup, ignorance is bliss alright. knowledge often hurts at first. the world is full of painful truths and ideas that we think we'd be better off not having to honestly examine... and the struggle... the struggle was and is always the hardship that comes with truth. but damn it feels good to have information and knowledge and disagreements - to feel like you stand behind something for good reason. such "conflict" has become the touchstone of a meaningful existence: "i don't care if my life is messy and complicated. at least i know i'm living it."

but while i've generally found truth and happiness in complications and struggles, i am this time feeling a little lost and lonely, unable to convince myself that this too shall pass. knowing that the best things in life are worth fighting for, i persevered. i believed that others did the same. "people are inherently good, and good people never make the same mistakes twice." perhaps they do.

i keep wondering if i've done something wrong (i haven't) or could've done more (i couldn't), but my reliance on that basic be-nice-and-i'll-be-nice-back concept never ceases to bite me in the ass. i guess that's what you get when you try and make friends with the bully - you get the shit kicked out of you.