Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
June 18, 2010
man of peace
One of the reasons why we crave love and seek it so desperately is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you.
August 13, 2009
waiting
all day, where the sunlight played on the sea-shore, Life sat.
all day, the soft wind played with her hair, and the young, young face looked out across the water. she was waiting - she was waiting; but she could not tell for what.
all day, the waves ran up and up on the sand, and ran back again, and the pink shells rolled. Life sat waiting; all day, with the sunlight in her eyes, she sat there, till, grown weary, she laid her head upon her knee and fell asleep, waiting still.
then a keel grated on the sand, and then a step was on the shore - Life awoke and heard it. a hand was laid upon her, and a great shudder passed through her. she looked up, and saw over her the strange, wide eyes of Love - and Life now knew for whom she had sat there waiting.
all day, the soft wind played with her hair, and the young, young face looked out across the water. she was waiting - she was waiting; but she could not tell for what.
all day, the waves ran up and up on the sand, and ran back again, and the pink shells rolled. Life sat waiting; all day, with the sunlight in her eyes, she sat there, till, grown weary, she laid her head upon her knee and fell asleep, waiting still.
then a keel grated on the sand, and then a step was on the shore - Life awoke and heard it. a hand was laid upon her, and a great shudder passed through her. she looked up, and saw over her the strange, wide eyes of Love - and Life now knew for whom she had sat there waiting.
April 3, 2009
May 6, 2008
the unbearable lightness of being
people have - with the help of conventions - oriented all their solutions toward the easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must hold to what is difficult; everything alive holds to it, everything in nature grows & defends itself in its own way and is characteristically and spontaneously itself, seeks at all costs to be so and against all opposition. we know little, but that we must hold to what is difficult is a certainty that will not forsake us; it is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it.
to love is good, too: love being difficult. for one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. for this reason young people, who are beginners in everything, cannot yet know love: they have to learn it. with their whole being, with all their forces, gathered close about their lonely, timid, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love. but learning time is always a long, secluded time, and so loving, for a long while ahead and far into life is solitude, intensified and deepened loneness for him who loves.
love is at first not anything that means merging, giving over and uniting with another (for what would a union be of something unclarified and unfinished, still subordinate?), it is a high inducement to the individual to ripen, to become world, to become world for himself for another's sake. it is a great exacting claim upon him, something that chooses him out and calls him to vast things. only in this sense, as the task of working at themselves ("to hearken and to hammer day and night"), might young people use the love that is given them. merging and surrendering and every kind of communion is not for them (who must save and gather for along, long time still), is the ultimate, is perhaps that for which human lives as yet scarcely suffice.
whoever looks seriously at it finds that neither for death, which is difficult, nor for difficult love has any explanation, any solution, any hint of way yet been discerned; and for these two problems that we carry wrapped up and hand on without opening, it will not be possible to discover any general rule resting in agreement. but in the same measure in which we begin as individuals to put life to the test, we shall, being individuals, meet these great things at closer range. the demands which the difficult work of love makes upon our development are more than life-size, and as beginners we are not up to them. but if we nevertheless hold out and take this love upon us as burden and apprenticeship, instead of losing ourselves in all the light and frivolous play, behind which people have hidden from the most earnest earnestness of their existence - then a little progress and alleviation will perhaps be perceptible to those who come long after us; that would be much.
--rainer maria rilke
to love is good, too: love being difficult. for one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. for this reason young people, who are beginners in everything, cannot yet know love: they have to learn it. with their whole being, with all their forces, gathered close about their lonely, timid, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love. but learning time is always a long, secluded time, and so loving, for a long while ahead and far into life is solitude, intensified and deepened loneness for him who loves.
love is at first not anything that means merging, giving over and uniting with another (for what would a union be of something unclarified and unfinished, still subordinate?), it is a high inducement to the individual to ripen, to become world, to become world for himself for another's sake. it is a great exacting claim upon him, something that chooses him out and calls him to vast things. only in this sense, as the task of working at themselves ("to hearken and to hammer day and night"), might young people use the love that is given them. merging and surrendering and every kind of communion is not for them (who must save and gather for along, long time still), is the ultimate, is perhaps that for which human lives as yet scarcely suffice.
whoever looks seriously at it finds that neither for death, which is difficult, nor for difficult love has any explanation, any solution, any hint of way yet been discerned; and for these two problems that we carry wrapped up and hand on without opening, it will not be possible to discover any general rule resting in agreement. but in the same measure in which we begin as individuals to put life to the test, we shall, being individuals, meet these great things at closer range. the demands which the difficult work of love makes upon our development are more than life-size, and as beginners we are not up to them. but if we nevertheless hold out and take this love upon us as burden and apprenticeship, instead of losing ourselves in all the light and frivolous play, behind which people have hidden from the most earnest earnestness of their existence - then a little progress and alleviation will perhaps be perceptible to those who come long after us; that would be much.
--rainer maria rilke
October 10, 2006
Morning
there are two ways to look at life.
actually, that's not accurate; i suppose there are thousands of ways to look at life. but i tend to dwell on two of them. the first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone's life is entropy. the second is that everything pretty much stays the same (more or less) and that everything is completely connected, even if we don't realize it.
there are many mornings when i feel certain that the first perspective is irrefutably true: i wake up, i feel the inescapable oppression of the sunlight pouring through my bedroom window, and i am struck by the fact that i am alone. and that everyone is alone. and that everything i understood seven hours ago has already changed, and that i have to learn everything again.
i guess i am not a morning person.
however, that feeling always passes. in fact, it's usually completely gone before lunch. every new minute of every new day seems to vaguely improve. and i suspect that's because the alternative view - that everything is ultimately like something else and that nothing and no one is autonomous - is probably the greater truth. the math does check out; the numbers do add up. the connections might not be hard-wired into the superstructure to the universe, but it feels like they are whever i put money into a jukebox and everybody in the bar suddenly seems to be having the same conversation. and in that last moment before i fall asleep each night, i understand Everything. the world is one interlocked machine, throbbing and pulsing as a flawless organism.
this is why i will always hate falling asleep.
actually, that's not accurate; i suppose there are thousands of ways to look at life. but i tend to dwell on two of them. the first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone's life is entropy. the second is that everything pretty much stays the same (more or less) and that everything is completely connected, even if we don't realize it.
there are many mornings when i feel certain that the first perspective is irrefutably true: i wake up, i feel the inescapable oppression of the sunlight pouring through my bedroom window, and i am struck by the fact that i am alone. and that everyone is alone. and that everything i understood seven hours ago has already changed, and that i have to learn everything again.
i guess i am not a morning person.
however, that feeling always passes. in fact, it's usually completely gone before lunch. every new minute of every new day seems to vaguely improve. and i suspect that's because the alternative view - that everything is ultimately like something else and that nothing and no one is autonomous - is probably the greater truth. the math does check out; the numbers do add up. the connections might not be hard-wired into the superstructure to the universe, but it feels like they are whever i put money into a jukebox and everybody in the bar suddenly seems to be having the same conversation. and in that last moment before i fall asleep each night, i understand Everything. the world is one interlocked machine, throbbing and pulsing as a flawless organism.
this is why i will always hate falling asleep.
August 12, 2006
i'm having a massive breakdown.
yesterday, after a long long long day, i walked into my house, put my bag down, and started crying like a baby in the foyer. my parents came over to try and comfort me while i babbled some nonsense through my tears on the living room couch - they nodded while i talked, the way you do when you're waiting for someone to finish. half an hour later, i was in the wimpering stage. my words had become more coherent but they were punctuated with short breaths every 3 to 4 seconds - the way kids half cry after they've been talked down. an hour later, when i'd done all the crying i could, i picked a fight with my parents and stormed up the stairs to sulk.
i think i need some better coping mechanisms. and thicker skin. and fewer emotions. i should be more carefree. a more "eh, shit happens" mentality.
dammit. i suck at this.
yesterday, after a long long long day, i walked into my house, put my bag down, and started crying like a baby in the foyer. my parents came over to try and comfort me while i babbled some nonsense through my tears on the living room couch - they nodded while i talked, the way you do when you're waiting for someone to finish. half an hour later, i was in the wimpering stage. my words had become more coherent but they were punctuated with short breaths every 3 to 4 seconds - the way kids half cry after they've been talked down. an hour later, when i'd done all the crying i could, i picked a fight with my parents and stormed up the stairs to sulk.
i think i need some better coping mechanisms. and thicker skin. and fewer emotions. i should be more carefree. a more "eh, shit happens" mentality.
dammit. i suck at this.
May 29, 2006
in favor of thinking
the last two weeks have been exhausting in a weird, disconnected way. i've been up in my head, circling ideas about sex and death and vegetarianism. i thought a lot about troubling things - tibet and the president and intolerance. and relationships. always relationships.
it's been kind of a polar introspective look at life, my life, other's lives - i've been struck with bouts of happiness sparsed with depression and a general feeling that i seem to lack an understanding of how people really work.
i was talking to a friend about this when we went to get sushi. on the most basic level, we know that if we're kind to people, they'll be kind back. act like a bitch and you can't expect anything in return. we know this. we learn this as children. i give you my jello at lunchtime, you'll play with me at recess (or at least think of me next time you have pudding). it would seem then that if you beat the shit out of me, i would not be inviting you to my birthday party, or anything else for that matter. actually, i'd stay the hell away from you if i knew what was good for me.
as we get older, this basic structure of how to treat others becomes the footing of society, delegating how much respect everyone from our lovers to the waiter at the restaurant deserves. and whether you believe it or not, our respect karma does bite us in the ass: "no you idiot - i said well done" + no tip will land your next steak on the floor of the restaurant kitchen. if not then, then another time, and the resulting food poisoning will be undocumented in the inspector's recordings.
i know all this and have throughout my life found it to ring true. society stands on this very simple notion alone - to treat others as you wish to be treated. and yes, the cliches are right: do no harm, be respectful, better yourself by bettering others, love deeply, question others, listen to your conscience. when we fail to do this or fail to honestly strive to do these things, we fail at much that is great about life. perhaps we fail at it all together. the simple life is always just that - a simple, unexamined, easy life. no challenges. no struggles. just coasting... it's attractive, but never fulfilling.
i've always felt this way about life, trying to make sure that i lived in a way that was meaningful to me - understanding it through my own senses, my own perception of what is good and bad filtered through a lens of reason and logic. i reject one thing, agree with the other. i question my parents' teachings. i listen to my enemies. yup, ignorance is bliss alright. knowledge often hurts at first. the world is full of painful truths and ideas that we think we'd be better off not having to honestly examine... and the struggle... the struggle was and is always the hardship that comes with truth. but damn it feels good to have information and knowledge and disagreements - to feel like you stand behind something for good reason. such "conflict" has become the touchstone of a meaningful existence: "i don't care if my life is messy and complicated. at least i know i'm living it."
but while i've generally found truth and happiness in complications and struggles, i am this time feeling a little lost and lonely, unable to convince myself that this too shall pass. knowing that the best things in life are worth fighting for, i persevered. i believed that others did the same. "people are inherently good, and good people never make the same mistakes twice." perhaps they do.
i keep wondering if i've done something wrong (i haven't) or could've done more (i couldn't), but my reliance on that basic be-nice-and-i'll-be-nice-back concept never ceases to bite me in the ass. i guess that's what you get when you try and make friends with the bully - you get the shit kicked out of you.
it's been kind of a polar introspective look at life, my life, other's lives - i've been struck with bouts of happiness sparsed with depression and a general feeling that i seem to lack an understanding of how people really work.
i was talking to a friend about this when we went to get sushi. on the most basic level, we know that if we're kind to people, they'll be kind back. act like a bitch and you can't expect anything in return. we know this. we learn this as children. i give you my jello at lunchtime, you'll play with me at recess (or at least think of me next time you have pudding). it would seem then that if you beat the shit out of me, i would not be inviting you to my birthday party, or anything else for that matter. actually, i'd stay the hell away from you if i knew what was good for me.
as we get older, this basic structure of how to treat others becomes the footing of society, delegating how much respect everyone from our lovers to the waiter at the restaurant deserves. and whether you believe it or not, our respect karma does bite us in the ass: "no you idiot - i said well done" + no tip will land your next steak on the floor of the restaurant kitchen. if not then, then another time, and the resulting food poisoning will be undocumented in the inspector's recordings.
i know all this and have throughout my life found it to ring true. society stands on this very simple notion alone - to treat others as you wish to be treated. and yes, the cliches are right: do no harm, be respectful, better yourself by bettering others, love deeply, question others, listen to your conscience. when we fail to do this or fail to honestly strive to do these things, we fail at much that is great about life. perhaps we fail at it all together. the simple life is always just that - a simple, unexamined, easy life. no challenges. no struggles. just coasting... it's attractive, but never fulfilling.
i've always felt this way about life, trying to make sure that i lived in a way that was meaningful to me - understanding it through my own senses, my own perception of what is good and bad filtered through a lens of reason and logic. i reject one thing, agree with the other. i question my parents' teachings. i listen to my enemies. yup, ignorance is bliss alright. knowledge often hurts at first. the world is full of painful truths and ideas that we think we'd be better off not having to honestly examine... and the struggle... the struggle was and is always the hardship that comes with truth. but damn it feels good to have information and knowledge and disagreements - to feel like you stand behind something for good reason. such "conflict" has become the touchstone of a meaningful existence: "i don't care if my life is messy and complicated. at least i know i'm living it."
but while i've generally found truth and happiness in complications and struggles, i am this time feeling a little lost and lonely, unable to convince myself that this too shall pass. knowing that the best things in life are worth fighting for, i persevered. i believed that others did the same. "people are inherently good, and good people never make the same mistakes twice." perhaps they do.
i keep wondering if i've done something wrong (i haven't) or could've done more (i couldn't), but my reliance on that basic be-nice-and-i'll-be-nice-back concept never ceases to bite me in the ass. i guess that's what you get when you try and make friends with the bully - you get the shit kicked out of you.
November 7, 2005
back to life. back to reality.
you all know that the last two weeks of my life have sucked harder than a tootsie roll pop... worst shit ever. and, as a result, i'm so behind in school i should drop out. you all know this - no need to hash it out. "blah blah... life sucks... school is hard..."
last saturday though, i went out of town to a diwali party at my roommate's house. my roommate, some friends of ours, and myself all drove to her family's house, got all dressed up, and celebrated the indian new year at the local country club. though i had a great time, i must admit that i thought about how far behind i was in school and how crazy my life has been the last few weeks a couple of times that night. i remember thinking to myself, "monday is going to be awful."
the thing is, around 11:45pm that night, while dancing with my friends on the dance floor, a man at the party collapsed and suffered a massive heart attack. the music stopped and the doctors at the scene started cpr while the rest of us watched quietly, waiting for the ambulance. by the time the ems came, the man had been aspirated for at least 5 minutes from the vomit that had blocked his lungs, and when they took him away in the ambulance, the whole room seemed to be in collective prayer.
when i think about everything going on in my life right now, i can't help but feel a little foolish. school and relationships, jobs and friends - all the drama we have in our lives seems insignificant in the scope of it all. i guess what i'm saying is that life is precious. pay attention to the little things. be caring. call your family. listen to your friends. recognize the people that love you and let nothing else matter but loving them back. because when it's all said and done, those are the only things that you'll be thinking about and that is what makes life a success.
last saturday though, i went out of town to a diwali party at my roommate's house. my roommate, some friends of ours, and myself all drove to her family's house, got all dressed up, and celebrated the indian new year at the local country club. though i had a great time, i must admit that i thought about how far behind i was in school and how crazy my life has been the last few weeks a couple of times that night. i remember thinking to myself, "monday is going to be awful."
the thing is, around 11:45pm that night, while dancing with my friends on the dance floor, a man at the party collapsed and suffered a massive heart attack. the music stopped and the doctors at the scene started cpr while the rest of us watched quietly, waiting for the ambulance. by the time the ems came, the man had been aspirated for at least 5 minutes from the vomit that had blocked his lungs, and when they took him away in the ambulance, the whole room seemed to be in collective prayer.
when i think about everything going on in my life right now, i can't help but feel a little foolish. school and relationships, jobs and friends - all the drama we have in our lives seems insignificant in the scope of it all. i guess what i'm saying is that life is precious. pay attention to the little things. be caring. call your family. listen to your friends. recognize the people that love you and let nothing else matter but loving them back. because when it's all said and done, those are the only things that you'll be thinking about and that is what makes life a success.
November 3, 2005
sal mubarak
it's a new year - an indian new year - which quite frankly has always seemed better, more auspicious, i suppose. given the past few weeks and in light of today's good luck, i've decided to share this year's personal list of instant karma. enjoy, and have a happy new year!
- practice being brave
- offer milk & graham crackers to someone feeling down
- be tender with the young
- listen before you act
- visit your neighbor
- give complementary nicknames
- know what to overlook
- accept your own limitations
- follow the yoga niyamas: be pure, be content, be disciplined, be studious, be devoted
- sleep avidly and dream vividly
- help a person die well
- acknowledge hardworking service people
- dance a little bit every day
- yield
- never stop wooing your beloved
- of two evils, choose neither
- start where you are
January 18, 2005
if
at a certain moment in my life, a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped.
when that happens, do not attempt to install artificial life into my body by use of a machine. and don't call this my deathbed, call it my bed of life. and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives. give my sight to a man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face, or love in the eyes of a woman. give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain. give my blood to the teenager who has been pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play. give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week. take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to help a crippled child walk. explore every corner of my brain. take my cells, if necessary, and let them grow so that someday a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against her windows. know that i loved you, even unto death. burn what is left of me and scatter the ashes to the winds to help the flowers grow. if you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses, and all prejudice against my fellow man. give my soul to god. if by chance you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed, a selfless apology, or a gentle word to someone who needs you. if you do all i have asked, i will live forever.
when that happens, do not attempt to install artificial life into my body by use of a machine. and don't call this my deathbed, call it my bed of life. and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives. give my sight to a man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face, or love in the eyes of a woman. give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain. give my blood to the teenager who has been pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play. give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week. take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to help a crippled child walk. explore every corner of my brain. take my cells, if necessary, and let them grow so that someday a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against her windows. know that i loved you, even unto death. burn what is left of me and scatter the ashes to the winds to help the flowers grow. if you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses, and all prejudice against my fellow man. give my soul to god. if by chance you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed, a selfless apology, or a gentle word to someone who needs you. if you do all i have asked, i will live forever.
January 4, 2005
July 12, 2003
it's very simple.
as you grow, you learn more. if you stayed at twenty-two, you'd always be as ignorant as you were at twenty-two. aging is not just decay, you know. it's growth. it's more than the negative that you're going to die. it's also the positive that you understand you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it.
yes, i said, but if aging were so valuable, why do people always say, oh if i were young again. you never hear people say, i wish i were sixty-five.
he smiled. you know what that reflects? unsatisfied lives. unfulfilled lives. lives that haven't found meaning. because if you've found meaning in your life, you don't want to go back. you want to go forward. you want to see more, do more. you can't wait until sixty-five... you have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. looking back makes you competitive. and, age is not a competitive issue... the truth is, part of me is every age. i'm a three-year-old, i'm a five-year-old, i'm a thirty-seven-year-old, i'm a fifty-year-old. i've been through all of them, and i know what it's like. i delight in being a child when it's appropriate to be a child. i delight in being a wise old man when it's appropriate to be a wise old man. think of all i can be! i am every age, up to my own. do you understand?
i nodded.
how can i be envious of where you are - when i've been there myself?
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it's been awhile, i know. happy belated (and future) birthdays.
yes, i said, but if aging were so valuable, why do people always say, oh if i were young again. you never hear people say, i wish i were sixty-five.
he smiled. you know what that reflects? unsatisfied lives. unfulfilled lives. lives that haven't found meaning. because if you've found meaning in your life, you don't want to go back. you want to go forward. you want to see more, do more. you can't wait until sixty-five... you have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. looking back makes you competitive. and, age is not a competitive issue... the truth is, part of me is every age. i'm a three-year-old, i'm a five-year-old, i'm a thirty-seven-year-old, i'm a fifty-year-old. i've been through all of them, and i know what it's like. i delight in being a child when it's appropriate to be a child. i delight in being a wise old man when it's appropriate to be a wise old man. think of all i can be! i am every age, up to my own. do you understand?
i nodded.
how can i be envious of where you are - when i've been there myself?
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it's been awhile, i know. happy belated (and future) birthdays.
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