pant v. dress

ok so pants suck, am i right? everyone feels that way? they feel like pants suck?

no? i guess not... huh.

i recently read that women tie their blue jeans with some manner of twine so they can continue wearing them throughout their pregnancies. this terrifies me, first because i suspect that one day i will get knocked up (ok that's a separate fear), and second because i thought pregnancy was finally the time you got to break out all those great empire waist dresses.

i'm apparently wrong. all the time. pants: they're something women are committed to, especially feminists.

meanwhile, i almost never wear pants. not because i'm somehow being ladylike. i'm not like mandy moore in that movie where spoiler she dies, just wandering around in knee-length dresses, clutching my cardigan, speaking in bible proverbs.

the reason i usually opt for dresses over pants is because i’m not that competent, and wearing dresses is an easy way to trick people into thinking that i am.

i mean, i’m certainly not competent enough to commit to a style decision that would require twine artistry in the event i'm with child. still, i guess everything goes with blue jeans. you could wear pretty much any kind of top with them and it would be fine. military jackets, regular jackets,... straight jackets. JACKETS. and teeshirts. oh my god teeshirts. and then you could coordinate them with your shoes and maybe you would have to layer another top over it or something. add a sweater. maybe a scarf. aaaand i'm tired. point made.

do you know how much planning goes into styling a dress? PUTTING IT ON. boom. you have a look now. your look is “i’m wearing a dress, i already look pulled together, running around in this here dress.” it’s winter? okay. your look is now “i’m wearing a dress and put tights on under it. boom. running around in this here dress, my legs encased in tights like i’m a goddamn ballerina.”

the amazing thing is that people will not see this as a sign that you have only the most basic understanding of how jackets work. they will instead say things like “your look is so polished.” yes. because you are wearing only one garment instead of five making you an f'ing genius. and if you spend $25 to go in and get your dresses tailored to fit you perfectly at your dry cleaner’s after buying them, you will come off as some kind of style superstar even though you're just smart.

also, as much as i LOVE jeans, you know that thing that happens when you are wearing them and you sit down and your butt crack is revealed? that will never happen in a dress. ever. you would have to wear the weirdest dress in the entire world for that to happen. and then i suppose it would be a very "strategic" part of the look. the worst inadvertently exposed body part mishap you can have in a dress is that you might go out without underwear and flash someone if you spread your legs like sharon stone. that would still be sexier than exposing your butt crack, and, correctly applied, could probably get you featured in star magazine. otherwise, you could solve that problem by wearing underwear, or not spreading your legs like you're at a gynecologist appointment.

in sum, dresses are amazing; pants require twine; make sure to cross your legs.