virtual reality

a few days ago, i received the scariest facebook message of my life - it was a marriage proposal. not like marriage totally and completely freaks me out, but it does when the proposal is over 4 pages long, sent from a guy i've never met, and includes a request to fly out to a remote island and get married. the end result, as he suggested, included living with his parents, sex at least 4 times a week, and many many children.

while devoting my life to this obvious winner sounded like a dream come true, i made the ever-so-difficult decision (no, not really) to report him to the facebook police and block him for eternity, which is ironic given that he's apparently some kind of policeman in his respective city. and did i mention he hates gays? yeah, i know - we're totally compatible. and while i half joke about it, the other half of me is honestly freaked out that real-life borat here is already looking for me, google-ing my name away and making love to my facebook picture. thank god he so wisely mentioned that he's got no money - i don't think he'll be showing up at my manhattan office just yet. goddamn gold diggers.

the bigger question here is how much of this shit i'm supposed to put up with. this is not the first and only creepy request i've ever gotten. last week i got a message from some dude who told me i was "blooming like a flower" and "looked real fresh." then he advised me not to lie, to stick with my hobbies, and ended his message by asking me "can i kiss you goodnight?" no fucker. you can't. block block permablock. what the f?! who are you people?!

now i recognize people are lonely - everyone needs friends. and for those people who are new to a city and looking for something to do, i get it. resorting to facebook out of desperation is still something i'm willing to understand. but how out of touch with reality do you have to be to think that i am going to want a scary stalker? it's facebook, not letshavesex.com or a mail-order bride website. WRONG VENUE, crazy.

but let's keep it real - crazy comes in all forms. you don't have to just send creepy messages. no, some guys just add random women as friends. now, correct me if i'm wrong, but when i was growing up, i wasn't friends with someone until i actually had an interaction with them, so when i get an email from mark zuckerberg asking me to confirm that i am, in fact, friends with *insert i-don't-know-who-the-hell-you-are*, don't be surprised when i deny you, loser. and for every long-lost chum who reaches out to me on facebook (hi. hello. in all seriousness, it's nice to hear from you!), there's a guy who made fun of me on a weekly basis through the whole of sixth grade but now wants to be my friend; or the crazy person who was fun in college but is now kind of sad; or the nagging unfortunate acquaintance who i'd cross the street to avoid but who now wants to know, "am i your friend?" yes or no, this instant, please.

all-in-all, i love facebook. i'm a lawyer - i have to. i spend hours in front of the 'puter writing briefs and memos and shit that only judges and academics read. as a remedy, facebook provides hours of entertainment, and quite frankly, does a damn good job of keeping me connected to and updated on my friends and yes, even acquaintances. but that's it. in this respect, i remain a conventionalist.

sorry, weirdos. but if i want a kiss goodnight, it ain't that hard to find one in real life.