G C a r c i a 9: sorry i didn't call yet
notice the prompt and unnecessary apology.
in general, friends have a certain sense of responsibility to each other - a sense of mutual respect. they understand the concept of dependability, and when they think they may not be able to be that dependable friend at the moment, they let you know ahead of time so you're not disappointed. or they have a fantastic apology, either of which seem to work well. =)
in the past year, my best friend has been the least dependable, unapologetic, completely shady person i've ever known - not calling for weeks, just ignoring me, throwing in some lame "my bad" apology. and for some reason, i continue forgiving him for reasons becoming unknown to me. when did i become the person that let another step all over me - the kind i advise my friends not to be? well, a word to the wise, when someone loses all regard for your personal feelings, they're most likely not your friend - they're an asshole.
December 29, 2004
December 3, 2004
silky smooth
lips as sweet as candy
tight blue jeans
skin that shows in patches
strong inside but you don't know it
good little girls they never show it
when you open up your mouth to speak
could you be a little weak?
do you know what it feels like for a girl?
do you know what it feels like in this world
for a girl?
hair that twirls on finger tips so gently
hands that rest on jutting hips repenting
hurt that's not supposed to show and
tears that fall when no one knows
when you're trying hard to be your best
could you be a little less?
do you know what it feels like for a girl?
what it feels like in this world
for a girl?
lips as sweet as candy
tight blue jeans
skin that shows in patches
strong inside but you don't know it
good little girls they never show it
when you open up your mouth to speak
could you be a little weak?
do you know what it feels like for a girl?
do you know what it feels like in this world
for a girl?
hair that twirls on finger tips so gently
hands that rest on jutting hips repenting
hurt that's not supposed to show and
tears that fall when no one knows
when you're trying hard to be your best
could you be a little less?
do you know what it feels like for a girl?
what it feels like in this world
for a girl?
November 30, 2004
CaucAsian316: wow...u must be so excited :-) this is a great stage for u to be in
CaucAsian316: being free and having a job...that inbetween time
today i got my credit card bill: $843. and you know what? i could PAY the whole goddamn thing. ALL OF IT. it felt incredible knowing that i could run a tab that high and still take care of it on my own. granted, i paid my own through undergrad, but this is completely different. my parents still helped me from time to time, slipping a $20 in my bag when i came home on weekends and paying for books when i couldn't make ends meet. but now, i buy them dinner and send my mother care packages... if not just to see them smile, then to feel like i can give something back, though i can and will never be able to repay them. "all we care about is your happiness," they say, like most parents would and do. still, it feels veeeeery good.
with this new perspective, i have finally started to make peace with law schools. when i turned down ucla last year because i couldn't afford it, i was, for lack of a better word, pissed - pissed at my life, my financial situation, my parents,... everything and everyone. i'd always been told it didn't matter how much money i had; i could do anything just as long as i worked hard. obviously that idea is somewhat misleading, but it really came crashing down on me last year. today i feel differently - not about whether i can pay for school, but about changing my attitude. you know, life has a way of surprising you in good ways and if there's anything i've inherited from my lovely brown ancestors, it's karma theory: everything happens for a reason. there is one caveat, of course, and that's that everything that does happen, happens because you directed it to.
tonight i'm getting dinner with jess, someone i never knew i'd be great friends with, but turned out to be because we made the effort (not much effort at all) to get to know each other. next year, wherever i am, no matter what kind of sacrifices i'll have made, i'm sure it'll be the right decision, the right place - a great stage for me to be in.
CaucAsian316: being free and having a job...that inbetween time
today i got my credit card bill: $843. and you know what? i could PAY the whole goddamn thing. ALL OF IT. it felt incredible knowing that i could run a tab that high and still take care of it on my own. granted, i paid my own through undergrad, but this is completely different. my parents still helped me from time to time, slipping a $20 in my bag when i came home on weekends and paying for books when i couldn't make ends meet. but now, i buy them dinner and send my mother care packages... if not just to see them smile, then to feel like i can give something back, though i can and will never be able to repay them. "all we care about is your happiness," they say, like most parents would and do. still, it feels veeeeery good.
with this new perspective, i have finally started to make peace with law schools. when i turned down ucla last year because i couldn't afford it, i was, for lack of a better word, pissed - pissed at my life, my financial situation, my parents,... everything and everyone. i'd always been told it didn't matter how much money i had; i could do anything just as long as i worked hard. obviously that idea is somewhat misleading, but it really came crashing down on me last year. today i feel differently - not about whether i can pay for school, but about changing my attitude. you know, life has a way of surprising you in good ways and if there's anything i've inherited from my lovely brown ancestors, it's karma theory: everything happens for a reason. there is one caveat, of course, and that's that everything that does happen, happens because you directed it to.
tonight i'm getting dinner with jess, someone i never knew i'd be great friends with, but turned out to be because we made the effort (not much effort at all) to get to know each other. next year, wherever i am, no matter what kind of sacrifices i'll have made, i'm sure it'll be the right decision, the right place - a great stage for me to be in.
November 28, 2004
The third and final continent
By now I had enough money to go by plane. I flew first to Calcutta, to attend my wedding, and a week later I flew to Boston, to begin my new job. During the flight I read The Student Guide to North America, a paperback volume that I'd bought before leaving London, for seven shillings six pence on Tottenham Court Road, for although I was no longer a student I was on a budget all the same. I learned that Americans drove on the right side of the road, not the left, and that they called a lift an elevator and an engaged phone busy. "The pace of life in North America is different from Britain as you will soon discover," the guidebook informed me. "Everbody feels he must get to the top. Don't expect an English cup of tea." As the plane began its descent over Boston harbor, the pilot announced the weather and time, and that President Nixon had declared a national holiday: two American men had landed on the moon. Several passengers cheered. "God bless America!" one of them hollered. Across the aisle, I saw a woman praying.
October 12, 2004
October 5, 2004
eleven two
alright.
i'm not going to judge you - at least for the next 5 minutes.
look, i know you've heard it a million times, but i'm going to have to tell you again: you need to VOTE. i should've blogged at least a few days ago for those few truly shameful apathetics who never even took the time to register, but now that it's too late, i am going to aim this toward the rest of you who think it doesn't matter. i'm hoping to hit the bulls eye, at least amongst one of you.
maybe you've never been denied healthcare or had to fight in a war; maybe your parents have never lost their jobs; and maybe, just maybe, you've never had to pay a dime for college. if you're one of these people, you're most likely one of the top 5% of wealthy americans, and congratufuckinglations to you. seriously - i not trying to make you feel bad about it. i'd be living the high life too... sex and the city, quite literally.
but think about it. if that's the top 5%, the bottom 95% is quite obviously facing a life less convenient. in the past 4 years, jobs have been cut at an unparalleled rate, healthcare costs have gone up, and we've entered into a holy war with a country that never even attacked us. and let's not forget about the "inalienable rights" that have been or are currently being stripped from citizens of our society. after 9/11, a jittery congress was quick to sign the patriot act, allowing the government full access to conduct surveillance and gather intelligence on anyone that looked "suspicious" or more honestly, anyone who looked muslim. but if you're gay, now that requires a constitutional amendment. somehow, the leaders of our country believe gay marriage is too sacred - it's just less meaningful between two men or two women. i mean, look at britney spears' 55-hour marriage...
look. listen. read for your sake (not christ's). don't give me that bullshit that you just don't know because that is your responsibility. you have every resource available to you and every opportunity to do something about it. stop taking advantage of a privilege most people in this world do not have. get out there, pick a damn side, and VOTE.
i'm not going to judge you - at least for the next 5 minutes.
look, i know you've heard it a million times, but i'm going to have to tell you again: you need to VOTE. i should've blogged at least a few days ago for those few truly shameful apathetics who never even took the time to register, but now that it's too late, i am going to aim this toward the rest of you who think it doesn't matter. i'm hoping to hit the bulls eye, at least amongst one of you.
maybe you've never been denied healthcare or had to fight in a war; maybe your parents have never lost their jobs; and maybe, just maybe, you've never had to pay a dime for college. if you're one of these people, you're most likely one of the top 5% of wealthy americans, and congratufuckinglations to you. seriously - i not trying to make you feel bad about it. i'd be living the high life too... sex and the city, quite literally.
but think about it. if that's the top 5%, the bottom 95% is quite obviously facing a life less convenient. in the past 4 years, jobs have been cut at an unparalleled rate, healthcare costs have gone up, and we've entered into a holy war with a country that never even attacked us. and let's not forget about the "inalienable rights" that have been or are currently being stripped from citizens of our society. after 9/11, a jittery congress was quick to sign the patriot act, allowing the government full access to conduct surveillance and gather intelligence on anyone that looked "suspicious" or more honestly, anyone who looked muslim. but if you're gay, now that requires a constitutional amendment. somehow, the leaders of our country believe gay marriage is too sacred - it's just less meaningful between two men or two women. i mean, look at britney spears' 55-hour marriage...
look. listen. read for your sake (not christ's). don't give me that bullshit that you just don't know because that is your responsibility. you have every resource available to you and every opportunity to do something about it. stop taking advantage of a privilege most people in this world do not have. get out there, pick a damn side, and VOTE.
August 28, 2004
June 23, 2004
22
22 in three days. good god. i can't believe i'm going to be so old. i mean, in 3 years, i'll be in my mid twenties. i wonder where i'll be, who i'll be with, what i'll have done... i've definitely learned a few things in the past few years... in fact, a great old friend was telling me yesterday over a 3-hour-long conversation about some life decisions she's made in the past year - choices her family did not always like and decisions that they presumed were not in her best interest. in words far better than mine, she said that more than anything in the past year, she's learned to trust her own intuition.
something about that statement stuck with me throughout the night and i realized that it's probably the most important thing one can learn to do for themselves. "as much as they love me and care for me, they don't know what's best for me." holler.
to a new birthday year filled with family, friends, and much independent thought. hurrah.
22 in three days. good god. i can't believe i'm going to be so old. i mean, in 3 years, i'll be in my mid twenties. i wonder where i'll be, who i'll be with, what i'll have done... i've definitely learned a few things in the past few years... in fact, a great old friend was telling me yesterday over a 3-hour-long conversation about some life decisions she's made in the past year - choices her family did not always like and decisions that they presumed were not in her best interest. in words far better than mine, she said that more than anything in the past year, she's learned to trust her own intuition.
something about that statement stuck with me throughout the night and i realized that it's probably the most important thing one can learn to do for themselves. "as much as they love me and care for me, they don't know what's best for me." holler.
to a new birthday year filled with family, friends, and much independent thought. hurrah.
June 10, 2004
something of interest
so chad read this to me a while ago, and my friend recently re-sent it to me so i thought i would share this with all 2 of you that read my blog. holler. -avani
Dr. Laura Schlesinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice
to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as
an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according
to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The
following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident,
which was posted on the Internet.
Dear Dr. Laura
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
specific laws and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is,
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can
you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don.t agree. Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room
here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn.t we just burn them to
death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with
their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident
you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is
eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,
Jack
so chad read this to me a while ago, and my friend recently re-sent it to me so i thought i would share this with all 2 of you that read my blog. holler. -avani
Dr. Laura Schlesinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice
to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as
an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according
to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The
following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident,
which was posted on the Internet.
Dear Dr. Laura
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
specific laws and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is,
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can
you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don.t agree. Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room
here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn.t we just burn them to
death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with
their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident
you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is
eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,
Jack
May 20, 2004
so i keep things
have you ever saved an email? maybe you put it in a little folder for safe keeping thinking you'd read it again later. or maybe you printed it out, kept it in a little box, and tucked it away in your closet. i know you've done it - somehow stored memorabilia from people near and dear to you... the one's who's friendship and love you will always remember and always want to remember.
well, today i went through those emails and that box and i realized that i had a million things from the same small group of people. it was people from angell hall and the walnut girls to dick mann, the professor of the universe; it was old housemates and old boyfriends and old roommates who helped me get rid of horrible old boyfriends' things; it was a million memories of wonderful people and the things we shared and their undying capacity to love. after about an hour of fumbling through my saved emails and memories box, i realized that i had some thank yous in order.
so... thank you. thank you for the emails and letters - your long letters of advice and support, love letters, letters sent for no good reason, letters filled with goodies. thank you for the postcards sent from abroad and packages sent in the mail. i go back to these things frequently, reading what so many of you have said. i have learned some of the most important things about life, family, hardship, and love through your profound words. thank you soo much.
i'm in sort-of a sappy-sad-introspective mood, but i hope you all (you know who you are) keep in touch. there is a reason i have so many pictures with you, so many letters from you, so many random gifts from you... there is a reason i kept these things and it's because i love you... and i'll miss you... and i really can't live without you.
call me.
or better yet, write me.
well, today i went through those emails and that box and i realized that i had a million things from the same small group of people. it was people from angell hall and the walnut girls to dick mann, the professor of the universe; it was old housemates and old boyfriends and old roommates who helped me get rid of horrible old boyfriends' things; it was a million memories of wonderful people and the things we shared and their undying capacity to love. after about an hour of fumbling through my saved emails and memories box, i realized that i had some thank yous in order.
so... thank you. thank you for the emails and letters - your long letters of advice and support, love letters, letters sent for no good reason, letters filled with goodies. thank you for the postcards sent from abroad and packages sent in the mail. i go back to these things frequently, reading what so many of you have said. i have learned some of the most important things about life, family, hardship, and love through your profound words. thank you soo much.
i'm in sort-of a sappy-sad-introspective mood, but i hope you all (you know who you are) keep in touch. there is a reason i have so many pictures with you, so many letters from you, so many random gifts from you... there is a reason i kept these things and it's because i love you... and i'll miss you... and i really can't live without you.
call me.
or better yet, write me.
April 26, 2004
if you want to improve
if you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.
remember that you must behave in life as at a dinner party. is anything brought around to you? put out your hand and take your share with moderation. does it pass by you? don't stop it. is it not yet come? don't stretch your desire towards it, but wait till it reaches you. such are thoughts to live by in life and love.
-epictetus
remember that you must behave in life as at a dinner party. is anything brought around to you? put out your hand and take your share with moderation. does it pass by you? don't stop it. is it not yet come? don't stretch your desire towards it, but wait till it reaches you. such are thoughts to live by in life and love.
-epictetus
March 8, 2004
the more i see, the less i grow. the fewer the seeds, the more i sew.
it is a wonderful thing to have an ally in your friends every once in a while - someone who'll stick up for you when others do shitty things. for some reason though - and i speak from experience - friends often act as bystanders, letting us battle it out on our own. what's worse is the fact that they feel no sense of responsibility to do anything. they do not speak up. they do not protest. they play both sides.
i hate this. i realize that "taking sides" is uncomfortable, but what is friendship if you can't make a difficult decision? by saying or doing nothing, by not "taking sides," we support the wrongs that have been committed against those we so easily proclaim to love when things are good. seems as though everyone's afraid of offending someone in the process.
i guess i just think it's strange, you know, that it's so hard to be a friend to... your friends.
i hate this. i realize that "taking sides" is uncomfortable, but what is friendship if you can't make a difficult decision? by saying or doing nothing, by not "taking sides," we support the wrongs that have been committed against those we so easily proclaim to love when things are good. seems as though everyone's afraid of offending someone in the process.
i guess i just think it's strange, you know, that it's so hard to be a friend to... your friends.
February 22, 2004
pussies unite!
the vagina monologues
were
AMAZING!
i cried when it was over. during the second show, after i had performed my monologue, i stayed back with carol and some other lovely ladies and watched the rest of the show sidestage. i think we were all having a hard time accepting that 1) we had actually been a part of such an incredible performance and 2) that it was soon to be over. so many talented women. so many new friends. so many memories...
aside from their talent, however, i feel honored to have known so many women who went into the monologues hoping to affect change. so much of what we do in college is self-indulging, and though this was an amazing theatrical performance, it also had a strong message. i like to think that i was a part of something bigger than myself - a campaign to end violence against women and even a chance for people to understand womanhood better.
some old professors and GSIs attended, in addition to some of my current students. friends and family were there, and even as i write today, a whole week after the show, i am still receiving personal emails from strangers about how much they enjoyed the performance. apparently, one of my old high school teachers was there: "i was shocked and amazed at how talented a cast you were... i laughed and cried and was left in awe. your performance, avani, was astonishly powerful and thought-provoking... you can guarantee i'll be there next year." i saved that email; i still get teary-eyed every time i read it.
my only disappointment was in realizing that many of my friends would and did not come. this was certainly important to me, but moreso, i think it was the kind of show that goes beyond performance - it creates awareness, something everyone could use a little more of. regardless of this fact, the vagina monologues was a production that i am happy to have been a part of; one that will and has immensely affected me. i think everyone that was involved in it should feel proud, accomplished, and gifted. in words of my father, "you are all going places." no one could ever be more right.
i love you, vaginas.
were
AMAZING!
i cried when it was over. during the second show, after i had performed my monologue, i stayed back with carol and some other lovely ladies and watched the rest of the show sidestage. i think we were all having a hard time accepting that 1) we had actually been a part of such an incredible performance and 2) that it was soon to be over. so many talented women. so many new friends. so many memories...
aside from their talent, however, i feel honored to have known so many women who went into the monologues hoping to affect change. so much of what we do in college is self-indulging, and though this was an amazing theatrical performance, it also had a strong message. i like to think that i was a part of something bigger than myself - a campaign to end violence against women and even a chance for people to understand womanhood better.
some old professors and GSIs attended, in addition to some of my current students. friends and family were there, and even as i write today, a whole week after the show, i am still receiving personal emails from strangers about how much they enjoyed the performance. apparently, one of my old high school teachers was there: "i was shocked and amazed at how talented a cast you were... i laughed and cried and was left in awe. your performance, avani, was astonishly powerful and thought-provoking... you can guarantee i'll be there next year." i saved that email; i still get teary-eyed every time i read it.
my only disappointment was in realizing that many of my friends would and did not come. this was certainly important to me, but moreso, i think it was the kind of show that goes beyond performance - it creates awareness, something everyone could use a little more of. regardless of this fact, the vagina monologues was a production that i am happy to have been a part of; one that will and has immensely affected me. i think everyone that was involved in it should feel proud, accomplished, and gifted. in words of my father, "you are all going places." no one could ever be more right.
i love you, vaginas.
February 4, 2004
January 29, 2004
happy wall
last year, i started taping things that i'd received that made me happy to my wall. pictures, cards, drawings, letters. anytime i felt a little low, i would glance at my ever-growing wall of happiness and remind myself of the things that people had done for me that made me happy... moreso, the people that made me happy. i think it was in response to junior year - living alone as an RA, away from friends... i'm not going to get into it, but it was a hard time for me and a huge readjustment.
today i came home and realized i hadn't added anything in months. no written treasures. no warm fuzzies. nothing. not to say that i wasn't struck with happiness, but it was a little disheartening. there are plenty of great things people have done for me recently yet, for some reason, i hadn't added anything. i started thinking: maybe my happy wall was more of a remnant of the past that i tried to stick to this year. on a more positive note, i thought, maybe i didn't need a happy wall?
it was odd when i realized i rarely talk to half the people who are linked to the existing wall. everything from sheer proximity to grad school apps seem to keep me and these individuals separated. it was sad in a way, but also served as a positive reminder: things go on, people separate & move on, but nothing changes if you love each other.
so i've been thinking about taking my happy wall down. i'm starting to feel as though i don't need a reminder about the old things that made me happy... at least, not anymore.
today i came home and realized i hadn't added anything in months. no written treasures. no warm fuzzies. nothing. not to say that i wasn't struck with happiness, but it was a little disheartening. there are plenty of great things people have done for me recently yet, for some reason, i hadn't added anything. i started thinking: maybe my happy wall was more of a remnant of the past that i tried to stick to this year. on a more positive note, i thought, maybe i didn't need a happy wall?
it was odd when i realized i rarely talk to half the people who are linked to the existing wall. everything from sheer proximity to grad school apps seem to keep me and these individuals separated. it was sad in a way, but also served as a positive reminder: things go on, people separate & move on, but nothing changes if you love each other.
so i've been thinking about taking my happy wall down. i'm starting to feel as though i don't need a reminder about the old things that made me happy... at least, not anymore.
December 28, 2003
bowflexfitness.com
Not sleepy. I'm messed up for real. My sister and I were up till 7am talking all night. But today - today is what's really done me in.
It's because of exercise; not doing it - watching it. I have been watching this Boxflex commercial for way too long. This thing is intense; no - really. fucking. intense. They have this six week challenge and they show the results... wtf? This shit is bonkers. Obese women bowflex themselves for 6 weeks and BAMN! They look like muscular dudes. DUDES. :ike the kind that drink liquified egg whites and don't feel bullets penetrate their bodies. Beats running.
I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this. I mean, seriously. Didn't I just advertise that this machine turns women into apes? What the heck is appealing about that?
It's because of exercise; not doing it - watching it. I have been watching this Boxflex commercial for way too long. This thing is intense; no - really. fucking. intense. They have this six week challenge and they show the results... wtf? This shit is bonkers. Obese women bowflex themselves for 6 weeks and BAMN! They look like muscular dudes. DUDES. :ike the kind that drink liquified egg whites and don't feel bullets penetrate their bodies. Beats running.
I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this. I mean, seriously. Didn't I just advertise that this machine turns women into apes? What the heck is appealing about that?
November 29, 2003
tasty
i had so much to eat, i'm still digesting my food. yum.
on another note, i desperately need a job. living in troy is heartbreaking, really it is. i have expensive taste, i admit. however, i do have this keen (aka cheap) fashion sense. but every so often (actually, not often at all) i'd like to buy myself something kind of pricey.
i went to the mall today and wanted to shoot myself. everything costs so much money. the cheapest thing i wanted was $40. a $40 grey, zip up hoodie. i just don't understand... now, if i had a job. sure. i would be more inclined to buying it, but how is it that people can spend so much money on this stuff without feeling like they're being robbed?
now, if i were a man it wouldn't be as bad. at least when men are buying clothing, it's enough cloth to cover their essential parts. *ahem* but half the things i want to buy are no more than a piece of cloth intricately sown together... and when i say intricately, i mean randomly. honestly, the designers are getting a bit out of control. one can barely tell if what they're buying is supposed to be a skirt, a shirt, or a dress anymore... not that i'm entirely complaining...
here's the kicker: even if i was making enough money and didn't have loans to pay off, i'm not really sure i could deal with spending so much money. i absolutely HATE making my parents pay for things. they already pay for my groceries and gas. i'm all for people who have the money. please, don't worry about spending it. but honestly people, not having to worry and having to buy the world are entirely different things. call me crazy but there's something very attractive about a person who understands the value of a dollar. i'm not saying i don't appreciate spending, but those kids that drop $80 on a pretty shirt... shit. that's out of control.
oh my god. i sound like my mother.
i guess what i'm saying is yeah, i'm jealous. i will get a job. i'm excited to be rich later on in my life. but i will not give my children the opportunity to spend money like so many troy kids. and i will go eat a lot of ice cream. right now.
i had so much to eat, i'm still digesting my food. yum.
on another note, i desperately need a job. living in troy is heartbreaking, really it is. i have expensive taste, i admit. however, i do have this keen (aka cheap) fashion sense. but every so often (actually, not often at all) i'd like to buy myself something kind of pricey.
i went to the mall today and wanted to shoot myself. everything costs so much money. the cheapest thing i wanted was $40. a $40 grey, zip up hoodie. i just don't understand... now, if i had a job. sure. i would be more inclined to buying it, but how is it that people can spend so much money on this stuff without feeling like they're being robbed?
now, if i were a man it wouldn't be as bad. at least when men are buying clothing, it's enough cloth to cover their essential parts. *ahem* but half the things i want to buy are no more than a piece of cloth intricately sown together... and when i say intricately, i mean randomly. honestly, the designers are getting a bit out of control. one can barely tell if what they're buying is supposed to be a skirt, a shirt, or a dress anymore... not that i'm entirely complaining...
here's the kicker: even if i was making enough money and didn't have loans to pay off, i'm not really sure i could deal with spending so much money. i absolutely HATE making my parents pay for things. they already pay for my groceries and gas. i'm all for people who have the money. please, don't worry about spending it. but honestly people, not having to worry and having to buy the world are entirely different things. call me crazy but there's something very attractive about a person who understands the value of a dollar. i'm not saying i don't appreciate spending, but those kids that drop $80 on a pretty shirt... shit. that's out of control.
oh my god. i sound like my mother.
i guess what i'm saying is yeah, i'm jealous. i will get a job. i'm excited to be rich later on in my life. but i will not give my children the opportunity to spend money like so many troy kids. and i will go eat a lot of ice cream. right now.
November 21, 2003
god?
walking home, a 10-year-old child attempted to hand me a flier with a message from god, the one and only message apparently... this while another preached over a microphone, telling me that i was a sinner bound for hell. what a sad existence to put one's faith in a god that would condemn decent people to hell for eternity.
people have often asked me if i am religious, and i always hesitate to answer yes. for one, i fear the word 'religious' invokes a sense of blindness. though it's not the hard and fast rule, religiousness can often equal close-mindedness, condemnation, and often, hate. secondly, i refuse to call hinduism a 'religion.' hinduism is a term that was given to the indian way of life by colonizing westerners who needed to call it something, for lack of a better word. and because the word "religious" is generally associated to western practices and beliefs which require dogma, a concept strikingly different than eastern philosophies, the term religion seems as applicable to the indian way of life as it does kant's.
since i was a child, i learned that hindus believe - and i think it is the truth - that god has as many names as there are creatures and, therefore, we also say that god is nameless. since god has many forms we also consider him formless, and since he speaks to us through many tongues we consider him to be speechless. in the words of gandhi, "is there one god for the mussalmans and another for the hindus, jews, and christians? no, there is only one omnipresent 'god'. he is named variously, and we remember him by the name which is most familiar to us."
because my heart and mind have always agreed with this concept on every level, i never really understood western hierarchical beliefs. it just seemed to me that if you claim that only your version is right (which you could never know), and that everyone else is wrong (and will subsequently go to some version of hell), then that ideology itself was hate disguised as religion - a complete contradiction if your religion is supposed to teach love. ultimately, i've observed the following: that we've got just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love each other.
it is sad to me that my christian friends have to defend their faith against proselytizing preachers, and that my muslim friends must prove to others that religious fanaticism is not in accordance with the teachings of the koran. how can people possibly "know" that they are right? at the end of the day, isn't my god going to have to be your god (if there is one to begin with)? or - and the evidence suggests that it's more likely than not - maybe there is no god. maybe no one is up there. perhaps he isn't at temple or church, or in the repetitive rituals people perform. what then?
it is for this reason that i have always believed that god is the self and inherent in everyone. god is our highest state of consciousness; god is our personal best; god is who we find when we learn to follow our bliss and pursue that which makes us come alive.
so what should you believe in? i don't know. that is up to you. but perhaps we can start by bettering ourselves instead of condemning others. talk about humanizing religion.
people have often asked me if i am religious, and i always hesitate to answer yes. for one, i fear the word 'religious' invokes a sense of blindness. though it's not the hard and fast rule, religiousness can often equal close-mindedness, condemnation, and often, hate. secondly, i refuse to call hinduism a 'religion.' hinduism is a term that was given to the indian way of life by colonizing westerners who needed to call it something, for lack of a better word. and because the word "religious" is generally associated to western practices and beliefs which require dogma, a concept strikingly different than eastern philosophies, the term religion seems as applicable to the indian way of life as it does kant's.
since i was a child, i learned that hindus believe - and i think it is the truth - that god has as many names as there are creatures and, therefore, we also say that god is nameless. since god has many forms we also consider him formless, and since he speaks to us through many tongues we consider him to be speechless. in the words of gandhi, "is there one god for the mussalmans and another for the hindus, jews, and christians? no, there is only one omnipresent 'god'. he is named variously, and we remember him by the name which is most familiar to us."
because my heart and mind have always agreed with this concept on every level, i never really understood western hierarchical beliefs. it just seemed to me that if you claim that only your version is right (which you could never know), and that everyone else is wrong (and will subsequently go to some version of hell), then that ideology itself was hate disguised as religion - a complete contradiction if your religion is supposed to teach love. ultimately, i've observed the following: that we've got just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love each other.
it is sad to me that my christian friends have to defend their faith against proselytizing preachers, and that my muslim friends must prove to others that religious fanaticism is not in accordance with the teachings of the koran. how can people possibly "know" that they are right? at the end of the day, isn't my god going to have to be your god (if there is one to begin with)? or - and the evidence suggests that it's more likely than not - maybe there is no god. maybe no one is up there. perhaps he isn't at temple or church, or in the repetitive rituals people perform. what then?
it is for this reason that i have always believed that god is the self and inherent in everyone. god is our highest state of consciousness; god is our personal best; god is who we find when we learn to follow our bliss and pursue that which makes us come alive.
so what should you believe in? i don't know. that is up to you. but perhaps we can start by bettering ourselves instead of condemning others. talk about humanizing religion.
September 27, 2003
the act of seeing
is discontinuous. we see only things we are interested in seeing, although we may suddenly develop an interest that makes us discover something we have been familiar with for years.
September 24, 2003
enjoy the silence
Time. Distance. Change. Sometimes I think I'm so stuck on the warm fuzziness of the past that I can't see what is evidently true in the present. Talk without understanding; silence without contemplation... It's worse than walls and barriers between people - it's empty space.
I am feeling uneasy.
I am feeling uneasy.
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